The Infinite Retardation of Adam Sandler

If you're a 90's kid, at one point you probably liked Adam Sandler.  I know I remember seeing Billy Madison in theaters at some rich kids birthday part and loving it.  The highlight of the movie--at that time--was the dog shit scene, in which Adam Sandler and his pals hunt out a 'good piece of shit,' put it in a paper bag, and set it on fire on this dude's porch.  Soon an old man in his tighty whities and a wife beater comes out and stomps the shit (pun intended) out of it with his boot, only to later realize its full of dog shit.  "Its one of them flaming bags of poop again!"  To which Adam Sandler says, "He called the shit poop!"

For months afterward, it was my newest phrase.  To a second grader, that shit (pun intended) is hilarious, though not quite up there with the explosive diarrhea scene in Dumb and Dumber.  Yes I remember many lunch periods soaked up with laughter just thinking about Harry splattering his guts all over the porcelan, and it was just as funny at the start of lunch, when we ate our sandwiches and drank our sugar drink as it was when we were skinning knees, knuckles and dirtying our clothes later during recess. Oh man and remember like towards the end of this torrent of shits comes a squeaker?  A fucking squeaker man! Hilarious! Anyway. . .

Yet, I grew up and so did Adam Sandler.  Now I only laugh at shit play when its meant to be erotic (see two girls one cup).  Unfortunately Adam never seemed to shed his retarded humor, and when he became too old to play a foul mouthed buffoon that only kids and stoners laugh at, he became an aging foul mouthed love interest that nobody laughs at.  How did such a thing happen?  Why didn't he just flounder and die, or go somewhere and count his money?

Well work ethic for one.  I have to give it to Sandler, his hard work puts out a shit movie every year, and he's been doing it for nearly two decades. Not even the Police Academy movies had that kind of stamina.  Bravo.

That, and connections my dear friends. . . Had Sandler not spent his time in college farting on stage, he probably would have created Facebook; he knows that many people.  From as high up as Judd Apatow to as low down and useless as Rob Schneider.  His tight knit group of lackeys and writers seems to have spawned from Saturday Night Live, where retardation collected in great pools all about Lorne Michaels, and still collects today.

Adam joined the show in 1990, where he met David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, and Kevin Nealon; a group of fellas who would come to him anytime they needed money (not so much Chris Rock), and they always needed money.  More importantly than these role fillers, it was where Sandler first met writer Tim Herlihy.  Tim Herlihy is a film producer, screen writer, actor, and one time sketch writer for SNL.  The reason Tim Herlihy has all these other titles other than simply 'sketch writer for SNL' is because of Adam Sandler.  Every movie he has ever written, produced, or acted in, has been an Adam Sandler movie, from Billy Madison to Just Go With It.  As with many comedians, SNL was Adam Sandler's launching point into 'stardom,' but now many decades later we find that though this may or may not be true, the trajectory of this potential launch into stardom nonetheless ends in a big ole' pile of stinking shit.

His earlier films only hinted at Adam Sandler's money making and entirely retarded formula of retarded-buffoon-embarks-on-whacky-excursion-under-rather-flimsy-pretenses-and-whilst-doing-so-manages-to-bag-the-hot-chick-who's-entirely-way-out-of-his-league, while his later flicks have mastered it and have made it painfully obvious to the point of being unwatchable.

Take for instance Billy Madison.  Adam plays a lazy, sun burned, lush (respek), living off of the wealth his father made from the family hotel business.  But alas!  Trouble strikes when his father says he's giving the company to the extra weaselly member of the staff named Eric, because despite being a total asshole, he's actually qualified for the job, unlike Billy.  Well, Billy aint down with that, and after his Father shows him to be the idiot he truly is (fool can't even spell ROCK) and how he paid for him to get through school, Billy claims he'll go through school all over again.  Yes, he'll undergo 2 weeks in every grade, take all the tests, learn all the material (impossible in 2 weeks) and when he graduates, then his father can give him the family company worth millions of dollars and feel totally good about it.

His love interest is revealed to be his fourth grade teacher. . . And she falls for him, or rather, he bugs the shit out of her until she eventually finds his drunkenness lovable?  So like, if they were to go to dinner on a double date, it would go like this:

"So how'd you guys meet?"  The woman across the table asked.  I think her name was Wanda.  I dunno because I was really drunk at the time.

"Well honey, do you wanna tell them?  Or should I?"

"No, honey I'll tell em."  I said.

I was seeing four Wandas.  Four Wandas dancing around, and that stupid penguin, looking as cocky as ever. . .

"You see I used to be really retarded.  I used to just sit around all day and drink daiquiris [author's note: respek] and hang out with my friends. . . You know get drunk, look at nudie mags.  Before I graduated high school, the second time, or for the first time legitimately--kinda, I was in fourth grade.  I had been to kindergarten and 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade before that, but I was scared because I was the only thirty year old in class and we were going to do long division and math and stuff. . . But then in walks Ms. Vaughn, the loveliest teacher I've ever seen.  I definitely wanted to touch the heine."  I then grunted obscenely, and Ms. Vaughn laughed nervously.

"Well, that's all changed now.  Hasn't it honey?  Graduated, and went to college!  Didn't you!"

etc etc.

I know, I know.  I get it.  Its a comedy.  You're supposed to suspend your belief.  If that's so, why even put a love interest in?  Why can't it be just a ninety minute long comedy?  Just ninety minutes of shit and fart jokes, like a Jackass movie.

On the other side of it, we have one of his newer movies like Grown Ups, which is by far Adam Sandler's most disgusting movie, having mastered the Sandler formula in such purity that elements can be swapped out and still it can produce the same turd.  The difference in this one being that he's already won the girl over and they've gotten married and produced spoiled offspring.  Still remaining true is Adam's safety net of buddies, and this time they're the main characters.  It features friends David Spade (SNL), Chris Rock (SNL), Rob Schneider (SNL), and Kevin James (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry).  The entire movie is an excuse for these fellows to go on vacation and get paid for it, for none of them even seem to be trying.  They all play themselves, with the exception of Chris Rock, who at least tries to play a 'stay at home dad,' but even still is only half-assing it.  David Spade is the same cynical dry bastard, Kevin James is still fat and clumsy, Rob Schneider is still Rob Schneider (some strange character) etc etc.  The writing is so lazy its a wonder they didn't just call David Spade's character David Spade, and Chris Rock, Chris Rock, etc. etc.  There is no reason that this movie should have ever been made; other than the fact these fucks needed some money and wanted to have a damn good time while doing so.

This is obvious in that they don't even try to hide the fact they are advertising crap:

The boys are all together because their fucking pee-wee basketball coach died.  Yeah, they've totally ignored each other for years, but because their pee wee basketball coach who coached them when they were like 12 is dead, they suddenly hang out with one another.  They go on this 3 day trip to this cabin they all used to hang out at and once had their championship celebration at, with Coach.  They decide to spread his ashes out on a nearby island, but first, they must eat KFC grilled chicken, and drink Coca-Cola products.  No, they don't do this before traveling to the island, but at the island itself, right before dumping the man's ashes.  This is a somber and serious occassion boys, I mean the whole basis of this fucking movie and the events that are to follow are that we loved our coach, and now that the rival team has gone up and talked shit to us, 30 some fucking odd years later, we're gonna prove them wrong. . . because we loved our coach, and he thought of us as men. . . So please, bow your heads for this dear man we truly lov--hey can I get a wing?  And yes, of course they fuck up the spreading of the ashes and Kevin James gets Coach all over his hands, but eats the delicious KFC grilled chicken anyway.

HAI GUYZ LES PARTY.

NOM NOM.

Cut to them coming back, KFC grilled chicken bucket on Kevin James' head, which was really artsy I think.  They were showing us what they had exactly done to every one who watched this piece of crap; taken a KFC grilled chicken bucket and placed it over their heads.  Enjoy the consumerism boys.

With this said, Adam Sandler has managed to prolong his retardation, and it doesn't seem like he's ever going to go away, his connections and money are far too vast for that, and as long as actresses who were once considered extremely hot but got too old for anyone to care anymore need a job, they'll always have romantic comedies to fall back on, and Adam Sandler will always be there to catch them.

He's got that shit on lock.

And it is for these reasons that iR declares Adam Sandler, infinitely retarded.