Jon Heder: Completely Retarded

God had been kind to the Heder family, He had given them six children, two of which were particularly special. Aside from their brothers and sisters, these two were identical twins, one of whom happened to be Jon Heder. Jon was born in 1977 making him today in 2010, 33 years old, but if you were to look at him you'd struggle to decree him even old enough to drink. A Mormon and devote follower of his religion, he lives the straight edge lifestyle, one free of alcohol, drugs (one must assume he includes marijuana worthy of this category,) cigarettes, and caffeine. Its a distinction which in my eyes, makes him rather untrustworthy: just as sober men despise drunkards - drunkards despise "sober men" for often it is the case - with few exceptions - that they too possess the same ugliness, only differed in its deviation but similarly just as destructive.

His career was catapulted in tumultuous obscurity after Napoleon Dynamite - a movie for which he is most known. It is a quirky movie filled with quirky characters often imitated but never duplicated. Jon plays the main character, Napoleon Dynamite, a total mouth-breathing douche bag stuck in the empty void that is high school. The real tragic part is that Jon was 27, 27 years old when he played this part, a real mystery in that he really looks 16, with a quirky body made of skinny bones and knobby joints, and a face not yet ready to sprout facial hair. This was not the work of a razor or any make up, but rather the work of a body that still, had not yet advanced through adolescence. A late bloomer of the utmost degree, so to speak.

It was a movie that was well received, and immediately loved by some people - mostly the type of people who took to bowling. When the movie came out, I must admit I was in around the scene, the bowling scene: a wretched one occupied predominantly by fat old white women who looked like they crawled straight from the South, with tiny rat pony tales that dangled behind them and always seemed wet, by their ignorant husbands looking to blow off steam from work and by beer drinkers, and by Nascar fans (In some cases the men were all these things: husbands, beer drinkers, and Nas-car Fans.) I first heard of the movie at a tournament in the middle of Nowhere California, some place up North where the people sucked in dust and took glee in long stretches of road separating nothing but one mini mall from the next. A chick of less than average intelligence had gone on about how she loved the movie how, "I've already seen it three times. . . and, some of my cousins are in it."

Anyone who's seen Napoleon Dynamite knows this is nothing to brag about, for the mass of its characters are simple people, seemingly stuck in the eighties, with a keen eye for Native American wolf print shirts and neon hair ties.

"Napoleeeeeeon Dynamite ever saw it before?"

"Nah I've never seen it." I replied.

"Well you should! Its mighty good!"

And like any movie recommendation, I ignored it.

But the monster that was Napoleon Dynamite could not be so easily discarded. It won awards and was received well by the critics, but even worse than its commercial success was word of the movie, which spread across the country like wildfire. It lingered heavy on the air, quotations carried with the wind and seemed to be on the lips of everyone living:

"Your mom goes to college."

Discussions erupted about the existence of Lyger's, Napoleon's favorite animal. And still:

"Your mom goes to college."

Tater tots had become popular again, or at least talked about with a new found revelry vacant in years passed. And still:

"Your mom goes to college."

It was a badge of retardation, that quote, and anyone who said it was to be immediately avoided: They were Napoleon Dynamite people. The movie would come to plague Jon Heder too, for after it he was cast in nothing but similar type roles, as each movie tried to take a crack at capturing whatever it was that Napoleon Dynamite had captured - but each failed miserably, just went down in shit house history one-by-stinkin'-one. This, furthered by his Mormon values, which direct him in every aspect of his life - including his life as a movie star - left him with little choice when picking roles. When you cut out drugs, sex, rock n' roll, things that are fun, car chases, explosions, and guns, there aren't many roles left other than momma's boys (in fact Heder played a momma's boy in Momma's Boy (2007)) and total retards.

His main role in The Benchwarmers was one of a momma's boy retard (go figure.) When it comes to baseball, he is very much like the kid who sucked and had no real interest the game, but nonetheless was forced to play, and as a result was always put in right field, where he'd spend the game swinging at flies, kicking the grass or pulling up weeds; anything but paying attention to the game. He differs in that he's really 29 years old and needs to wear a helmet 24/7 to protect his soft head.

The Benchwarmers, a movie with a star studded retarded cast: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, and Jon Luvitz. . . My God its like a iR wet dream. This steamy piece of toilet paper cinema failed to capture the true hilarity of the movie: that these were old men who's lives were so shitty that they felt beating kids at Little League baseball would redeem all the years of failure they had accrued up to that point. Why not challenge em to a game of checkers, maybe you can get back some of the joy you lost during that failed marriage? How tragic must a man be to find validation in beating underdeveloped seven year olds in games of physical prowess? Pretty fuckin' tragic. And that, in my opinion is where this movie failed. There is however one exception, Mr. Nick Swardson. He's the only one in the movie that brings the lulz. Very unsurprising the results: the movie actually turned a profit, despite being horrible. . . I mean you know a movie sucks balls when Rob Schneider is the 'cool guy.'

Where's David Spade's helmet? Well he doesn't need one... Rob Schneider is wearing one because he happened to have just finished an at bat... Jon Heder is wearing one because he's retarded, it only happens to double as a baseball helmet here. For instance when skating its a skateboard helmet. All other times its a "life helmet," because life sure is dangerous when you're retarded.

Aside from supporting roles in Monster House, The Sasquatch Gang, and that sappy love story Just Like Heaven, nothing he starred in was ever really critically acclaimed, or well liked by anyone for that matter, and he was destined to become a one hit wonder. His movie School for Scoundrels, did horribly, and although I didn't personally see it, I must assume it sucks in that Sarah Silverman is among the cast (Note to self: do story on Sarah Silverman.) For surely, any movie that hires not only Jon Heder but Sarah Silverman isn't setting the bar very high, if at all.

Jon felt the grim reaper, he could hear him breathing through his mouth -tots-. He pictured his tombstone, that idiot engraved on it, glaring out for all eternity at everyone who came to visit his body, that idiot above him leering like a raven why the worms had their way with him. . . But through mud and through the casket, with arms extended, Will Farrell pulled him from the damp earth, saving his life. His gift: Blades of Glory. A movie which saved Jon Heder and revitalized his career: he now had two hits! Or so some douche bags say.

But really, it was a Will Ferrell sports movie, one of many (Semi-Pro, Talladega Nights, Kicking and Screaming) Jon Heder just happened to be literally along for the ride:


In the expert grasp of Will Ferrell Heder serves as the perfect whipping boy for the former to work off of, and is perhaps the only reason this movie is funny. But regardless, the best part of this movie, as well as the best part of Jon Heder's career (he later recalled) was this and only this moment:

As for his future, when he turns 40 Heder plans on playing a 25 year old, as by then he'll have a certain "raw wisdom about the eyes that a 25 year old would probably have."

FURTHER RETARDATION:

Heder is a scouting enthusiast: he and his brothers are all Eagle Scouts.

Napoleon Dynamite has made more money than any other Sundance movie, how much did it make? 46 million dollars.

Won MTV Movie Award for Breakthrough Male Performance and Best Performance.

iR