10 Reasons Why The Adventures of Pluto Nash is a Good (Retarded) Movie

The following, one might state as the reasons why The Adventures of Pluto Nash is the worst movie perhaps ever made, but it is like they say: its all how you look at it.

1.  Jay Mohr Singing in a Fucking Kilt

whats the use of havin' religion

First of all, when starting a movie, its important to build up some tension, or at least get the audience excited a little.  For Pluto Nash, this means Jay Mohr singing some horrid tune while playing an according to an empty bar with horrible standards when it comes to sanitation, and a less than homey feel.  All fuckin' right.  Jay Mohr of course, is that douchetard who wasn't funny enough to carry a comedy by himself, and wasn't quite handsome enough to carry a romance flick, so he was stuck doing a combination of the two in such sudden bouts of retardation, it was enough to make even the corniest of losers laugh right in his face.

2.  Randy Quaid Plays a Robot, a Horny One

Fuck dah police

Randy Quaid plays a robot, and not just any robot, but an old run down one, of a now defunct model now longer popular in the random decade of 2080.  This is no doubt an allusion to his real life and acting career, as they don't quite make em like they made Randy Quaid, and he is indeed -damaged goods-.  Not only that, but he's been loaded up with hot wiring techniques and knows all about smuggling.  He's a renegade robot, which is great, because these days Randy Quaid is a renegade actor on the run for running up yet another hotel bill he had no way of possibly paying.  One must wonder if he used this role as inspiration for his antics in court, for he at times seemed crazy enough to walk into the place with a couple of guns intent on filling the whole place with a couple of extra holes.

3.  Albino Black Man

I hate you dadeh.

Now most considerate, mature, normal people don't make fun of others shortcomings, especially when these shortcomings are out of their hands, and cannot be as quickly remedied as a mere outbreak out pimples, or an awkward voice not yet matured, but alas, I am not often considerate, mature, or normal, at least not online anyway.  Besides, the guy is a comedian and its like 90% of his shitty act.  Yes, Pluto Nash features an albino black guy, who've they have made out to be dumb and real ornery.  Talk about getting screwed over: where's my go back to the sack and wait for a better genetic match card?

4.  The Body Morph Scene

How bout some more man-dick?

Eddie Murphy and his lovely co-star walk into a joint that offers body morphing for those who no longer enjoy the body that random genetics has given them.  It is yet another one of the many lovely inventions man has brought to the world now that he has finally crawled off that God forsaken planet called Earth and found the moon a suitable place to plague and defile (good to see we still aren't vain and obsessed with outward appearances in the future...)  The two proceed to preview their alterations in real time, with specific presets, yet at one point Eddie feels the need to make some alterations, and effectively outs himself not only as a womanizer, but also a douche:  "some more bubbalage to the butt," and "titties galore," being some of his alteration instructions. . . Now anyone familiar with Eddie's past knows whats coming next, as Eddie's dream girl not only has a big ass and big tits, but also has a big dick, dangling between her legs. . . In fact Eddie got caught by police in 1997 with a transvestite hooker in his car, right before the release of the movie Holy Man, a film in which he plays 'God,' only with shit tons more advice constantly spewing out of his mouth.  

Some people are touched by this, but they don't realize everything coming out of his mouth is completely bullshit.

Talk about hilarious.

If you can't trust a man who hooks up with random hookers, who can you trust?

5.  Eddie Murphy Tries His Hand at Action

Not only does he dodge potential fire, but he also returns it with all the authenticity of  a person who has seen more than their fair share of shitty cop movies.  I don't know whats worse quite frankly, Eddie Murphy trying to be a dad on screen, or Eddie Murphy trying to act like he's actually held a gun before.  Standards have changed in regards to action movies, but unfortunately Eddie is still stuck in the eighties, and its entirely apparent.  My favorite scene is when a bomb suddenly goes off and Eddie jumps for his lovely co-star in attempt to shield her, but it is quiet apparently he tries his best to protect her tits, as both hands go for both fleshy mounds like a virgin at a dark movie theater.

6.  Eddie Murphy Tries His Hand at The Romantic Role

Given a romantic interest, Eddie Murphy goes to work, with all the charm of a street pimp in need of a couple of new hos.  Not only is he entirely wishy-washy throughout the whole movie, he's also borderline sexist and intensely retarded, but naturally, this being a product of Hollywood, he gets the chick, no matter how vile he acts, after all, he's the "Great Pluto Nash."

7.  Luis Guzman

This guy owns, he's the only guy to have been in movies with Dennis Leary, Adam Sandler, and Eddie Murphy without earing that 'total douchebag' title.  Anyone who can pull that off, has got to be good. Not only that, but he's actually funny in this, despite being bogged down by Mr. Giggles and Psycho Santa.

8.  Shameless Cameos

The movie not only features Foxy Brown, but also the dude who played Young Frankenstein, Peter Boyle.  Any sign of a total shitfest, and therefore movie worth watching due to unmeasurable amounts of lulz, is shit tons of cameos, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash is no different.  Its almost like getting a shit cake, topped with peanut butter cups, its nice there are peanut butter cups, but the problem is their dipped in shit, you know what I mean? 

9.  The 100 Million Dollar Budget

Fail

The Adventures of Pluto Nash is widely criticized because it cost a hundred million dollars to make, and in return only hauled in 7 million dollars.  This alone, makes for plenty of lulz, especially when considering that the movie was also criticized for having shitty computer graphics and horrible humor.  So obviously the money wasn't spent on computer imagery, so what was it spent on?  Eddie's hookers of course.

10.  Eddie Murphy plays Eddie Murphy. . .?

Who dat?

Everyone knows Eddie Murphy likes to stretch himself thin when in a movie by playing multiple rolls.  Well in the case of Pluto Nash, Eddie Murphy plays Eddie Murphy. . . No fat suit, no extensive cosmetics, Eddie literally plays himself, a character more like his real self: a complete and utter asshole.  What follows of course is your typical fight scene in which the two clones get mixed up in such a way that there is no way for anyone to tell who's who. . . Oh, did I just ruin it for you?

Whats hilarious about this is Eddie isn't even trying to hide that he's playing another role.  Its almost like his head has gotten so big that Eddie figures more Eddie means more star power, when in actuality more Eddie equals more annoyance power.

Laugh your way out of this one, douchetard.

And there you have it.  When considered together, not only do you have a terribly good shitty movie, but you also have a bit of retardation you can't help but pass up.  These things should be kept in mind the next time some moron brings up the idea of watching this movie (this never happens,) for when you take the movies history into account, it makes for many great laughs and as I previously stated, a damn good (retarded) movie.

It is for these reasons that iR declares The Adventures of Pluto Nash, completely retarded.

love,

iR

Send all hate mailings to

infinitelyretarded@live.com

The Totally Fuckables

Fuck you, steroids.

Everyone just about knows all about The Expendables by now, but if you don't I'll catch you up real quick: its an homage to everything badass about action movies. Its an atom bomb of death and destruction scorching through the sky with a fiery anus and a crew of everyone's favorite action stars: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lungren, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Terry Crews. Needles to say there's enough testosterone in this movie to kill a pack of bulls.

It is written and directed by Sylvester Stallone, who's apparently a triple threat: writer, director, actor. With The Expendables, he had no problems with the acting or the directing, but he did at times struggle with the writing part. Having made a name for himself with the movie Rocky, Stallone figured he'd have no problems writing this movie, but he found himself to be only half the writer he once was.  He went through many different drafts of the script, some more macho than others. Fortunately, I happen to have one of his earliest drafts, with notes to himself and everything. . . I must say, its pretty damn manly.

And it goes like this:

THE TOTALLY FUCKABLES (working title)

by Sylvester Stallone

FADE IN:

INT. THE BEAVER HUT (BAR) - NIGHT

A hot MODEL/WAITRESS tends to the bar at The Beaver Hut, wiping the tables in such a way as to provide optimal viewing of her cleavage at all times.  

She becomes hot, so she decides to take her top off, as "Bad Medicine" comes on the glowing juke box in the corner.

She dances to herself, completely topless.

A group of bikers on the other side of the bar arm wrestle and curse at one another, their bearded faces trickling foamy beer.

The model/waitress sprays herself with a seltzer water hose.

Random gun shots are heard outside.

She takes a spin around a stripper pole behind the bar.  When she's done she finds BARNEY ROSS sitting in front of her at the bar.

MODEL/WAITRESS

What'll it be?

BARNEY ROSS:

Gimme some sugar.

Barney reaches over and makes out with her.

Men on the other side of the bar are now playing with knives, explosives.

BARNEY ROSS:

(Determined)

And a beer. . . 

Barney smacks her on the ass as she leaves.

The door to the Beaver Hut opens, and standing there in the door way is TOOL.  (AC/DC song.)

TOOL:

Barney. . .

BARNEY ROSS:

(without looking)

Tool. . .

A man comes crashing through The Beaver Hut's main window, showering glass out upon the patrons of The Beaver Hut.  He thrashes to the floor knocking over tables.

Beers crash to the floor, glasses crash to the floor. 

The man doubles over in a pool of glass.

BARNEY ROSS:

(amused)

I see you brought company.  Ceaser, I pressume?


TOOL:
You know how he always likes to make an entrance.

HALE CEASER steps through the newly formed opening.  He stands amongst the glass smiling.

Another MAN gets up.

MAN:

(angry)
Hey!


BARNEY:
(to himself)
Don't do it.


MAN:
Hey!  You!  Big Man!

He gets up in Ceasers face, looking like he wants to fight.

MAN:

You spilled my beer!  Its seems to me you and your friend are lookin' for trouble.

TOOL:

Tool.

MAN:

Did you just call me a tool?

TOOL:

(laughing)

No its my name.

MAN:

(at Ceaser)

Well it seems to me like you and your tool are looking for a fight.

Ceaser and Tool look angry, almost if ready to pounce on the guy.

A hand grabs the man's shoulder, its Barney's.

BARNEY:

Hey man, take it easy.  You don't know who you're messing with.

MAN:

Looks like a bunch of jerk offs to me.

BARNEY:

No. . . not quite.

"Testosterone" plays.

The man swings for Barney but he ducks and plants him with a stiff right.

A man charges Ceaser but he just tosses him out through the already shattered window.

TOOL:

I'll be your server this evening. . .

Tool kicks a table, pinning a man up against the wall, and then proceeds to pepper him with gun fire.

A man comes out of the bathroom and Barney turns to throw a knife right into his chest.

TOOL:

Time to redecorate.

Tool grabs another man and tosses him over the bar.  He then tosses a grenade over the bar.

The man's face widens in terror.

The grenade explodes, frying the bar and scorching the very labels of all the liquor bottles.

Caser turns and blows a couple of guys away with a gun all of his own.

The three men stand in the middle of the room, the bar littered with bullet holes and dead bodies.  Only the model/waitress remains, cowering behind the bar.

BARNEY:

Put it on my tab.

EXT. THE BEAVER BAR - NIGHT


Barney, Ceaser and Tool stand outside of the bar, Tool lighting a cigarette.

BARNEY:

Where are the boys?

CEASER:

Oh they'll be here.

A hummer covered in camouflage paint screeches around a corner.

The sound of the engine alone drowns out even the most bad ass of hard rock.

Hookers from a nearby corner come over and offer the boys blow jobs as they wait for their ride.


Barney Ross takes up one of their offers and receives a blow job.


EXPLOSIONS.


GUN FIRE.


The hummer comes burning rubber around the corner.  Its driven by YING YANG (or maybe Ching Chang?)  Dan Paine, and Toll Road.


The hummer arrives outside of the bar, and all of the boys get inside the car.

BARNEY ROSS:

I told em not to fuck with us.

YING YANG:

What?

BARNEY ROSS:

The Totally Fuckables.

EXPLOSIONS

CUT TO:

The Totally Fuckables title screen.

It gets worst.  There are whole entire scenes where all the women are completely topless, and for no reason other than to show some titty. There was only one scene that included something slightly feminine.  It was a scene that included a hill full of flowers, beautiful and peaceful, but of course they blew it up, turned it wretched and black with ash.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) this original draft never really made it to the screens.  What we're left with is what you've got now - a still utterly retarded movie full of shitty puns and aging action stars (namely Stallone.)  That is of course, unless you own this copy of the script.

And you don't, because I do.

You should come over and give it a read sometime.

Seriously.

The ten page sex scene in the middle is entirely graphic, yet strangely hilarious.

I would only watch The Expendables if it was intentionally done to be the manliest movie ever. . .  

Like it would have all the chicks wearing bikinis, regardless of the situation, even if they're in an office, or in the middle of fucking nowhere.  The movie soundtrack too, would consist of nothing but ass kicking rock music, and all the songs would have to be either about pussy, killing, or blowing shit up.  In other words, total fucking overkill.

But I hear its kinda like that anyway.

So I wrote myself a phony script and put Sylvester Stallone's name next to the byline.  

Boo-fuckin'-hoo.

So anyway, when this movie finally comes out on HBO, I'm sure I'll watch it a bunch of times, and I'm sure it will live up to everything I've heard about it, and I'm sure with a lot of booze and a lot of smoke, The Expendables will be nothing short of hilarious.

And its for this very reason alone that iR declares The Expendables, epically retarded.

*The only part of an iR thats actually true.

Jean Claude Van Damme was offered a part in The Expendables, but ever since he did JCVD he's gotten all artsy and pompus, and at the time found his proposed character in the movie to be lacking in depth.

Hale Ceaser was originally written for Wesley Snipes.  Snipes said no.  Was rewritten for Forrest Whittaker. Scheduling Conflicts.  Was replaced by 50 Cent (damn that would have been hilarious,) but was then eventually given to Terry Crews.

Steven Seagal was asked to make an appearance, but he was too busy molesting his sex slaves and pretending to save the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana on that shit show Lawman.

Kurt Russell was offered a part, to which he replied/bitch slapped stallone: "I'm not into ensemble acting at the moment."

A composer was brought on to do original music for the show, hilarious songs like Scanning the Enemy, and Losing my Mind, and Giant With a Shotgun.

The Expendables has already made 104 million dollars, its budget being 80 million.

Stallone has already stated that he's ready to do a sequel, which is "already plotted out in [his] minds eye."  Although nothing has been put on page yet.

Expendables Official Site

Stallone killed youtubes.

David Arquette and The Succubus

Durr, I had a note pinned to my chest, but I lost it.

Ever see the eyes of a dead or dying dog?

David Arquette has these eyes, that is unless of course, he is watching professional wrestling.  The spectacle brings back that silly grin, all teeth and bulging bug eyeballs.  It reminds him of when he was a kid, when it was generally okay to be retarded because it could easily be pawned off as lack of knowledge resulting from far too little time spent on Earth.  But now he was nearly forty.  Nearly forty, which meant he should know a thing or two about a thing or two, but he didn't.

When he was a kid, the world had heroes of such fine and pure virtues that they seemed to glow, and everything was a distinguishable black or white, and the light always overcame the dark.

These days things ran together too much.  These days he wasn't quite sure.

The theatrics on television awake in him a small coal buried deep in his bosom, one that he thought had long since burned out.  The coal smolders, a dull red, and the more he watches, the brighter it glows.  A warmth begins in David's very center and spreads outward, growing warmer as the coal grows brighter.  He begins to feel safe and warm.

But then the old bitch barks, and the coal dies and David's eyes blink back to those dead dog eyes.

"David, dear. . ."  The word 'dear' stabbing him in the heart, he knows he's about to be asked to do something.  "The soy milk is four days from expiring.  I simply won't drink it, four days from expiration.  Imagine sour soy milk?!  That is just disgusting David. . .  And imagine the smell!  The smell David!  Won't you head out and get some fresh soy milk?!"

"Yes dear."  Dead dog eyes and a voice of defeat.  But what he really means is its only four days from expiration!  And everyone knows the expiration date is but a mere guideline!  But then she would say it's all the same, and he would get an even dirtier look. It was just best to say yes dear.  He wanted to say that you probably couldn't even smell it, even if it did spoil a week later, what with all the damn flowers in the place. . . But again it was better to live like a bitch in a lilied palace than to take a whippin'. . . and oh how could she belt em out.

The whip crashes and the mule goes to work. . .

The foreman works the gears and the cogs do all the work. . .

The zombie begins his sluggish trip down the road for a quart of "Fresh" soy milk. . .

I can go on and on. . .

But how did it turn out this way?  David thinks to himself, as he speeds down the road.  He takes a look at himself in the rear view mirror.  He considers driving right into the ditch, at 60 miles per hour.  In a convertible?  He felt good about the chances of it killing him, but then he considered how badly Courteney would beat him if he were to kill himself. He knew how sad it was to fear a woman so bad that not even death could deter her righteous vengeance, but boy would she be mad, mad at his dead corpse, and what then?  She probably knew of hexes. . . But. . .

How?

How did I become Courteney Cox's bitch?

Well lets see David, how now, did it all happen?

Well David, you've had a career in the movies that carries far more titles than most people generally assume, but thats because most of your work is just that forgettable.  The pillars of your douchey career are a handful of movies most people (or just myself--) know of only because they are that bad (--for surely not everyone enjoys movies because they are bad, right?) Nonetheless the list reads like this, or at least in my estimation:

Scream, See Spot Run, Eight Legged Freaks, Ready to Rumble, Never Been Kissed (casted as the cool ex high school jock - really?  No really?)

Yes.  Those movies alone.  They're how you became Courteney Cox's bitch, starting with Scream, a movie where your character was so pathetically retarded anyone could see the underlying malice in Courteney's character suddenly finding an interest in yours, as you just so happen to be the brother of a girl who's friends just start dying. Seducing you would be quite useful for a fame hungry news reporter like her.  Anyone could see she was using you Dewey (David,) as it could be the only possible reason she would even talk to you, as not only were you a joke of a cop, but a joke of a man. . .  Yet alas, the wonders of Hollywood script writing strike her dead in the forehead, and somehow this 'successful' news reporter Gale Weathers (Cox) falls for a rent-a-cop still living with his parents (Arquette) and with a shit stain on his upper lip he shamefully calls a mustache. . .

A pretend on screen relationship that somehow blossomed into a real life relationship just as retarded, and controlling. . .

Its almost like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie.

Yes and then theres Scream 2, where, being a total franchise, your character totally evolves and develops throughout each movie. . . In Scream 2, this means Officer Dewey has gained himself respect, and has managed to finally learn how to read (after many many lessons,) and finally gets his hands on one of his 'beloved's' books (Cox.)  Low and behold, Dewey finds out that perhaps this Gale Weathers chick aint so friendly after all, that perhaps she's just a biiiiitch:

Yet soft enough to come back for the compliment, even after all that...

And soft enough to say 'yes' after she asked YOU to MARRY HER.

In real life, and in the movie, yet somehow, the real life thing was more pathetic.

Remember how she made you get down on one knee?  -Now pull out the ring David, good now on my finger- And then she said 'You are going to marry me,' to which you replied 'yes, yes of course.'  And then she said 'I wasn't asking, I was telling.'

Remember?

But she makes most of the decisions right?

For instance your 'mutual' company Coquette Productions, named by taking the Co from Cox, and the Quette from Arquette is named as such to provide the illusion that now that 'we're married,' we share everything right down the middle - but this could hardly be true, as Coquette Productions is headed by Courtney, and further serves to keep her around, as she is not only an executive producer on every show the company is involved with, but it has also recently pumped out her own show, with her as the star: Cougar Town.

Just nothing but dead dog eyes.

But back in the day, why, back in the day David had fun, David exhibited a strange bit of unique retardation all of his own.  David, was David:

An awkward. . . 

dancing. . .

boob lovin'. . . 

pot head?

Damn you Courteney, damn you.

David Arquette use to say "Where's the weed at?"

Now all he says is "Jose, the weeds in the front yard need killing."

And it is for that reason alone, that iR declares David Arquette, sadly retarded.

David Arquette appeared in an ABC comedy series In Case of Emergency which was canceled after only one season.

David Arquette's sister is a tranny named Alexis Arquette, who in all actuality has a little hood in her: she once had an altercation with hecklers during which she threatened to use a patio umbrella as a weapon.  

David Arquette won the wCw World Heavyweight Championship title, despite not being a heavyweight, or any good at wrestling.  If that doesn't prove professional wrestling is fake, nothing will.

The band The Black Math Experiment wrote a song entitled "You Cannot Kill David Arquette," obviously, they have never met Courteney Cox.

David Arquette has his own clothing line.

David Arquette will be in Scream 4, alongside his wife Courteney Cox.

The Adventures of Evi and Randy Quaid

Randy and Evi's first adventure can be read here.  

They're laughing at the judicial system.

In April, Randy and Evi Quaid ran out on a hotel bill in California, and a court case much like a circus ensued, as Randy with a Santa's beard, and Evi with the eyes of a demented bird fought against their accusers. Golden Globes were presented as witnesses and were spoken to by Evi, and although no one had any idea what they had to do with the case, everyone knew one thing for sure: that these two were Fruity Loops. Loopy.  Crazy.  Insane.  Out there.  Wacky. . .  Retarded.  So naturally they lost their case, but celebrity status had saved them from any real punishment: they were required to do nothing but community service. . . But now, they've up and done it again, and this time, they've done a similar job on a hotel in Texas. . . Texas, where the boys of the Cibolo Creek Ranch gather now to tell stories of them, in the dirt and the dust and the boiling heat. . .

"I hear the Santa lookin' feller is real crazy."  The boy spat.  "They says he can act, but I saw him in that Chevy Chase movie t'other day in Ma's trailer.  Talk about a real goof."

"I hear he won a Golden Globe, and now all his wife does is talk to it."

"Yeah, I heard that."  Another said.

"What do you suppose an inanimerated objuct like that says?"

"Prolly nothin'."

"Then whys do you suppose she talks to it."

"Fer company.  Don't you know anything?  Crazy people always have to have something to talk to.  Most often its inanimerated objects, on account of them being so crazy.  Just like you said."

"You sure?"

"As sure as they's both crazy.  Look."  The boy pulled a piece of paper from his pocket.  "I hear em talking so I went to see for myself, and lookee here, its their bill.  And its got all kinds of strange requests. . ." He handed it to the other boy who looked at it in bewilderment.

"Five pounds of turkey. . . Four pounds of bacon. . ."  He read them off, one by one, slow and steady.  "Ten jars of mayonnaise. . . Seven towels. A bathrobe.  Fifteen pairs of socks. . . Eighteen quarts of whiskey. . . Five jars of pickles?  A hogs head?  A barrel of nails?  What for?  A hundred oranges. . . One hundred and fifty feet of rope?  A pick ax? Twenty copies of Vegas Vacation?  Do we even got most of this stuff?"

"No'm.  But its really somethin' aint?"

"Sure is. . ."

"But there's more."  The one boy smiled.  "'Parently the lady got some dirt on Dad and the hotel.  She said something silly like how she saved a'couple of camels from being destroyed by some 18 wheeler Fed Ex truck, and all the ranch hands just stood and laughed."

This is true.  In light of being sued once again for running up and out on a 24,000 dollar bill at the Cibolo Creek ranch with her husband, Evi decided to bring up a little dirt on the place, in hopes of it helping her case. According to Evi she saved two camels from being run over by a mad man Fed-ex employee in an eighteen wheeler, and as she did so, ranch hands working for the hotel just stood there and laughed. . . No one knows what this has to do with the case, but hell, she's Evi Quaid: she tried to use her husband's Golden Globe as a witness in their last trial. Fruity Loops man.

"Well if that aint the dumbest thing I ever heard."  The other boy said  He couldn't help but laugh, and he didn't like laughing much, on account of it sounding so funny.  "There aint no camels in Texas!"

This is true.  Back in the 1850's, they tried to bring camels to Texas, and boy was it a big failure.  You see horses were dying due to dehydration, and mules couldn't quite keep up either, so some smart doucher decided that perhaps camels would be the solution, but alas, they couldn't handle the rocky terrain, so the idea was scrapped.  The only camels in Texas are kept in 'zoo's,' they hardly roam around like feral dogs. . .

"I know it."  The boy laughed.  "But it gets better too.  'Parently my old man used Randy Quaid to attract business!"

The boys laughed.

"Who's Randy Quaid?"  One asked amongst the laughter, which of course only fueled the hilarity.

"'Xactly my point, boys.  If my old man put anything about Randy Quaid coming to this here establishment, the titled read:  SANTA CLAUSE IS COMIN' TO TOWN!"

Even more laughter.

"No, but seriously, who's Randy Quaid?"  The curious boy still pondered.

"Oh you ninnie, he aint nobody.  Nobody.  His old lady too.  Theys both nobodies.  But they surely do think they's somebody.  Like a Bawnie or a Clyyyde.  Little lady left some note in their room too, reads like some sort of a calling."

"A calling, like with the phone?"  One boy asked.

"No, like an emm-ohh.  I hear all the good robbers do it.  Listen here to this."  And he read it.

The Ballad of Evi and Randy

We came for the sun,

We came together,

We came not on the run,

For things to get much better,

Our fingers have told our tale,

Leaving very little up to guess,

How we did fail,

We really didn't, but regardless,

Father time came back again

And so we've built up a bill

And though we haven't got a friend

We've still got our pills

The gold man has seen it all

Just like the last season

But this time he will heed the call

And tell all of our reason

The boy folded it up with precision and put it in his pocket.

"Aint that somethin'?"  He asked.

"Yeah."  

"You ever heard a song like that?"

"Maybe from a dying bird."  One boy said.

"Hah, it aint nooo song.  It's a po-em, you dummies."

"That aint no poem.  I know a better one."

There's a place in France,

Where the naked ladies dance,

There's a hole in the wall so the boys can see it all,

But the girls don't care, they wear their underwear

Randy and Evi Quaid have simply lost it, their actions alone in their last court case were enough evidence to that very fact.  Yet somehow, the court didn't seem to acknowledge any of their antics.  Celebrity status has saved them from the ax of justice, but like so many other celebrities given the opportunity to redeem themselves, they've fucked that all up too. They've up and done exactly the same sort of thing they did in California, almost as if they were rockstars with a fondness for destroying hotel rooms.  They ran up and bill and made it quite clear to everyone at the hotel that Evi and Rany Quaid were in deed, in the building, and as a result made sure that they were treated like real stars.

So they were.  Room service the whole damn way, regardless of how strange the requests were.

And when things went sour and Evi 'failed' to pay the bill, they decided it was best to make it seem as if the hotel was ever so eager to have them both there, (because everyone wants a second-rate actor with a history of ripping off hotels visiting their establishments) that there would be no way that they could possibly be to blame for anything that happened. . .

YES... WE SERVE THIEVES, COME ON BY!

It isn't even like they were copping bars of soap and mini shampoos, or raiding the mini fridge to drink all the clear liquors so that they may replace them with simple tap water.  Nah, it aint anything like that.

Its a shit load of money, much as the case with the California hotel.  

They are certainly in need of real help.

It is in light of this new information, that iR strongly stands by its previous diagnosis of the Quaid's retardation.  iR again, declares Randy and Evi Quaid, regally retarded.

What happens next, only the courts can decide. . .

love,

iR

Amanda Bynes and The Plastic Polystyrene Face

There's nothing like a torture chamber to bring two people together: the constant drilling eating away at enamel like sugar only a million times faster, the patients and their blinking eyes full of terror, much like a cornered rat, the cold clinical feel of steel.  . .  Its precisely the sort of torture dungeon in which Mr. Rick Bynes met a lovely little dental assistant named Lynn Organ, over the muffled screams of a poorly dosed patient still painfully aware of every poke and prod.  Soon they wed, for they were in love:  Lynn liked Rick's jokes, and loved the dental profession, and Rick found her to be beautiful and a wonderful assistant, but more importantly, he loved that she laughed at his jokes.

For you see, despite being a dentist, Mr. Rick Bynes was such an asshole that he was also a part-time comedian.  That is to say, he often played around with the idea of telling jokes and being funny, but he always had the worst timing.  For instance Mr. Bynes loved to try out his jokes off on his patients, and soon it got around that anyone who had Bynes as a dentist not only had to endure the gruesome pressure of his drill, but also the pressure of his equally gruesome humor.  The idea that anyone having such a sense of humor while filing away at someone's nerve endings with a demented tool was something nobody could really swallow, so naturally Rick had to cut out the jokes.  And besides, they weren't even that good to begin with.

But Lynn liked his jokes.

I guess she's just as demented.

So they based their relationship around these two frail things in common, and had themselves a couple of children, one of which just so happened to be Amanda Bynes.

Yes, she's the product of Dentist Fucking.

Amanda grew up well enough, and made herself quite the famous little actress/comedian, but it was the years afterwards that were slightly unsettling.

Lots of girls can account for it: its all downhill after blowing Frankie Muniz.

Whhhhhhaaat?

It wasn't much different for Amanda Bynes either: after Big Fat Liar, the psychological damage Frankie Muiz did to her was enough to fuck her over, and at a very young age.  (Frankie was unavailable for an interview.)  Everyone's favorite little star, who was confident enough to stand up in front of a bunch of strangers at the age of ten and belt out horrible, but albeit somewhat adorable lines became so obsessed with her image that she constantly found herself looking at herself in the mirror, and researching physical disorders that she didn't even have.  And so she, like so many other stars that are surrounded by nothing but critics and dwindling numbers of loved ones, became infatuated with the blade, and plastic surgery.  Over night, a face that had othing wrong with it became just another casualty of a horridly fucked up world called Hollywood. . . A world so horrifically awful that a person can self destruct publicly and no one says anything, even as the vultures come out to pick the bones clean.  It was the same for Amanda, she was slowly allowed to decompose, to molt without the ever watchful eye of celebrity, and when she got too old to be profitable in regards to children, she was kinda stuck.

Kinda, really, stuck.

So it was time for a change, and unfortunately Amanda sought change with the help of a surgical blade.  She did something to her face, what exactly, only an expert in face mutilation could really identify, but even without the eyes of an expert, anyone can see she did something to her face. . . The once lean face of just another American girl changed and gave way to the face of a chipmunk - with cheeks bulged due to a large haul of nuts found out in the forest.  To be foraged for winter.

Yet, it didn't wet her appetite.  Her mind had already picked out other features that she found disadvantageous, so she altered them too.  A young casualty in the war against plastic surgery, little Amanda Bynes has already had at least three superficial procedures, and she's only twenty four years of age.  She had more and more, till now, she only slightly represents the girl she once was, and can only be considered beautiful in the right lighting and from the right angle.  Its a real shame, considering that even now she's not happy with her appearance.  In fact, her alterations have made her even more conscious of her look and has made her just another statistic.

Look:

Time between alterations became more and more frequent.  Poor lass.  Congrats, now you look like everyone else.

I swear, if you were to see her now, your heart would sink and any boner you had for her would shrivel almost instantly.  In fact, the only roles she gets these days are playing the stuck up blonde cheerleader, as full of herself as she is full of complete and utter bullshit.

And that may just be the saddest thing of all.

Recently she's outing herself as a non-drinker (lame,) and spouting all this shit about how she's not your typical Hollywood celebrity.  But these days her Twitter proves otherwise:

GF= Girlfriend

BF= Boyfriend

OG = Original Girl

If you love someone, and want no one else, marry them immediately

I like black guys, just fyi

tats = tattoos

I know 24 is a young age to retire, but yes I am

Yeah Amanda Bynes' Twitter totally proves her celebrity status, in that more often than not, she can't help but let something retarded slip out of her mouth, and all under 140 characters.  And yes, Amanda Bynes totally retired from the business. . . for a whole month, before she came back to say "I'm back!"

I guess she had to do this because if she didn't, no one would recognize her.

Although she was highly annoying as a child, it was ignored because everyone knew she would eventually grow out of it.  She did, becoming a tween with a strange creepy pedophile fan base.  Then she lost the teen and became a twenty-something, a twenty-something with a much bigger issue than just being annoying.  Her new fault however, cannot be as easily shed, or lost in time as the mind and body matures.  Her face will never be the same, and upon seeing it it produces feelings similar to waking up on Christmas and running downstairs to see all the presents glowing bright under the tree, and running to them and tearing off all the pretty paper and instead of an army of toys lay only a funeral procession of clothes. . . stinkin' clothes.

A real disappointment.

iR cannot blame Amanda Bynes for her disorder, or her skewed body image, that's a rabbit hole far too complex for anyone without the proper education to travel down.  And as a result I've laid it on all real sweet, real sugary sweet, because the idea of a twenty four year old already caught up in the whole plastic surgery thing is far too sadly retarded to ever really accept.

So its with winced eyes, and a voice as timid as Oliver Twist that iR declares Amanda Bynes, sadly retarded, for no joy can come from her decisions here on out.

Amanda Bynes is a Thousand Oaks girl.

Amanda Bynes tried to start her own clothing line, but soon after it started up, the company had to file for bankruptcy.  

Amanda Bynes was one of the highest paid actors under the age of twenty one.

Bynes has recently been "reevaluating" how to spend her time socially.

In 2010 Bynes did a photo shoot for Maxim magazine, declaring "I think every shot. . . was sexy."

Boners boners boners.

Dustin is going to kill me.

Amanda's twitter

Amanda's official website

love,

iR