Paris Hilton: False Idol: Shamelessly Retarded

Paris Hilton's mugshot.

The life of an American socialite is sometimes rough: collecting tiny rat-dogs and dressing them in sweaters and outfits is reserved for only those with the right kind of work ethic and eye for flare. Downing fist fulls of randomly collected pills isn't as easy as it looks either, especially when plastic surgery has drawn the skin about your chin and neck so tight that it will never succumb to gravity, coming at the cost of having difficulty ever swallowing food again.

If you bear to listen to her, Paris Hilton will tell you these things.

She will tell you, but will tell you very little else, as this shamelessly retarded, Xanax zombie's love for pills has slushed her brain so completely, that she has a vocabulary equivalent to that of a pull string doll, saying nothing more than simple exclamations of pure nothingness like "That's hot." She will claim her hero is Barbie, and she looks like one: lifeless plastic eyes, a plastic nose, both set in a harshly manipulated plastic face, contorted and shaped by the work of some sadistic plastic surgeon in some hip-fancy hospital with no moral back-bone whatsoever. And its true, Paris' fascination for the lime-light and living the life of a celebrity is so great, that at a young age she took to becoming her very own Barbie, one expensive surgery at a time. Her chin was cut up like warm butter, her eyes were hidden shamefully under color tinted contacts, her hair was bleached blonde, her cheek bones were shaved down, her nose was trimmed, and all in an effort to become an object of adoration, a false idol.

But before the extensive plastic surgery, Paris Hilton was just another quirky-eyed, ugly girl living the posh lifestyle, where she was carted around the finest real-estate the world had to offer like a piece of luggage, and was loved just as much. Her mother ignored her, choosing instead to pursue an acting career, and her father did the same, choosing to pursue nothing but money and his love to attain and count it.

Paris before her plastic surgery and eventual emergence into the public lime-light as a "socialite."

But the story wouldn't be a sad one for this poor little victim of filthy rich circumstances.

Oh no. . . she would go on to do big things. . .

She would go on to get paid for sex (a.k.a "prostitution,")

Done simply by letting a planned sex tape with her then boyfriend, a total douche, "leak" to the public. After being leaked, Paris a.k.a "The Prostitute" would fight the video, pretending to be outraged, but "The Prostitute" would then settle for a lump sum for the rights to distribute the tape, entitled 1 Night in Paris. And all of this done suspiciously before the debut of her television show The Simple Life, an epic piece of television retardation that became the vanguard for many other fish-out-of-water shows we still see today, like New York Goes To Work (equally retarded by the way.) The tactic had worked, as all of America in its infinite retardation turned to FOX weekly, during its Total Shit Hour Block, to watch The Simple Life, and the escapades of two spoiled brats, those of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, put in situations they would never otherwise find themselves.

The show was a success, and soon Paris Hilton was everywhere, walking her bony body down runways, headlining tabloid and gossip magazines on the corner of supermarket aisles, even appearing in film. She's had cameo's in Zoolander, as herself, in The Cat in The Hat, as a dancer at an Ecstasy laden rave (hardly appropriate for children,) and had her biggest role in House of Wax, where much to the enjoyment of all those who watched it, Paris Hilton dies a bloody gruesome death. Her biggest shitfest in the annals of American cinema, is The Hottie and The Nottie, a charmfully retarded tale, about a man who wishes to date an extremely "hot" chick, the "hottie," but there is only one problem, her ugly friend, the "nottie." According to the film this "hottie" refuses to date guys unless her ugly best friend, the "nottie," gets a date to. What follows is 91 minute torture for the eyes and brain, and has been described by one reviewer as "a crass, predictable, and ineptly staged gross-out comedy that serves little purpose beyond existing as another monument to Paris Hilton's vanity."

Regardless of the critics, Paris continues to churn out shit daily. Her name is associated with various different products she creates herself, or simply lends her name to. She has created perfumes for women, fragrances for men, doggie-wear, her own clothing line, her own shoe line, and even her own line of night clubs, aptly named Club Paris (now defunct, due to owners realizing her shameless retardation.)

Paris Hilton in her "leaked sex tape," where even still she can't help but look at herself in the mirror.

Like any good member of Infinitely Retarded, Paris too, has had her run in's with the law. In 06', she busted for DUI, which subsequently resulted in her losing her license, the California courts finding safety in preventing such a dumb individual from driving a car, which can only be seen as a 8,000 ton killing machine in the hands of such of a pill-popping socialite. The following year she was busted for wreckless driving, which got her 36 months probation, and 1,500 dollars in fines, peanuts for the Hilton heiress. Just fifteen days later, the retard was at it again, she was pulled over for driving with a suspended license, upon which she was required to sign a document that stated she was just a generally retarded individual who shouldn't have been driving, but was doing so anyway. Then, just a month later, she really slipped up, in quite retarded fashion. She was caught going 70 in a 35 mph zone, in the middle of the night, without headlights, and again, with a suspended license. This time however, the swift hand of justice would be layed upon her, she was sent to 45 days in jail, for violation of her probation, and failure to sign up for rehabilitation classes.

This, bothered Paris greatly.

Tears flowed, as apparently Paris thought she was being treated unfairly, and that it was just for her to violate her probabtion on numerous occassions, and to drive wrecklessly, going nearly twice the speed limit, during the dead of night. She claimed retardation, that she was unawares of the exact stipulations of her probation, and that it wasn't her fault, but rather the fault of her personal assitant and lawyer, for not clearly explaining to her in simple enough terms to understand. She was sentenced to 45 days, but in an unexpected event (a.k.a the paying off of a Los Angeles County Sherriff,) Lee Baca ordered that her sentence be diminished, stating:

My message to those who don't like celebrities is that punishing celebrities more than the average American is not justice.

No Paris, its not that we don't like celebrities, we just don't like YOU.

Nonetheless, the poor poor disgustingly rich retard experienced no dilemas while in jail, and was not shanked by a sharpened tooth-brush as we all would have hoped. She left jail stating that a clergyman minister changed her life while she was stuck in "The Hole," and declared that she was going to change to her life, start fresh, and live anew.

A vow which she never kept.

Today, Paris is often criticised for being a narccistic and a horrible role model for young girls. . . But according to Paris, she views herself as a product, as an image to be sold, and views herself to be a valid and worthwhile OBJECT. She feels that there is nothing wrong with wanting to look like a Barbie, a girl's doll which has already taken up enough controversy for being "unrealistic" and generally "racist."

It is for this that Infinitely Retarded declares Paris Hilton, shamelessly retarded, joining the ranks of our nations anti-war campaign and money burner: Above The Influence.

shameless retardation n. - retardation without shame. Victims exercise their retardation without any remorse, and often seek to spread it, like a plague throughout society. Said victims are "shamelessly retarded."

FURTHER RETARDATION:

Paris Hilton claims to be the "iconic blonde of the decade," comparing herself with Marilyn Monrow and Princess Dianna.

Paris is friends with genetic retard Kim Kardashian, and pop retard Lady Gaga.

Paris threw five different parties for herself on her 21st birthday, in New York, Las Vegas, London, Hollywood and Tokyo, the sort of retardation only a disgusting rich person can carry out.

Paris Hilton had "That's Hot" officially trademarked.

Favorite sport is golf, if that isn't retarded, I don't know what is.

Paris Hilton now hosts Paris Hilton's My New BFF 2, her second attempt at shameless self-promotion and a shot at a best friend. It is really a place to get people to worship her, say "I love you Paris," and to treat sexually-confused transgendered Asian men like dogs, always at the ready, always heeling by her side. . in other words this thing, ONCH:

Onch, Paris Hilton's personal Asian, man-lady dog, who sits by her throne during eliminations of Paris' third edition of 'My New BFF,' much like Princess Leia sat by Jabba the Hut's throne in Star Wars, complete with dog chain around the neck.

Paris Hilton has written a book, I haven't even done that. . . No doubt retarded. . . Also penned a diary under the name of her dog Tinkerbell, and is an "autobiography" about the dogs times during the filming of The Simple Life.

Stephen Baldwin - Cloned Retardation

Stephen Baldwin, on the set of The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, an epic regurgitation of movie cinema.

The halls of the MCLAB (Molecular Cloning Labortories) were unsually tense that day. The religious and political implications of cloning were already at a high, in 1960, and although they had succesfully cloned the same boy twice, they were begining to feel that perhaps they were playing God. Nonetheless they took payment to secretly clone another boy for some rather wealthy benefactors - The Baldwins.

The Baldwin family stood anxiously in the waiting room, a 5 piece set, looking to become a 6 piece set, with yet another successful cloning of their son, Alec. They had already been successful twice, the expensive procedures producing them two more "sons", Daniel in 1960, and William (Billy) in 1963, only three years later. They had enjoyed their three children, but both parents had a desire to have a big family, and as the other boys were getting older and taking to outside exploits away from the home, they wished once again to hear the sounds of young children rushing through their home, barreling up the stairs, and running out in the backyard. So they made all the arrangements, rather secretively, and sat waiting, today, May 12th, 1966, for what they would hope would be their fourth and final son.

After hours of waiting, the air thick with anticipation, the Baldwin family was greeted by the head of the cloning team, all smiles. He hugged them both, removed his spectacles, placing them in the safety of his breast pocket, and then with a chesire grin, called in the rest of the staff. Nurses and doctors alike, shuffled in, all in white, all with the same joyous smiles. Some still wiped sweat from brows, as they no doubt underwent an extensive scientific endeavor. One nurse stood out from the rest of them, golden tendrils falling out of her milk white hat. She smiled, clutching a crying baby, who's eyes were having trouble adjusting to its new bright and cold environment.

"Congratulations." The doctor said. "Its a boy." He laughed at his own joke. "What shall you name him?"

The parents stood for a moment, as if they were deep in thought, while Alec and the rest of the boys tugged at their mother's dress, or their father's pant legs, hoping to get a look at their 'new' brother. Finally... the head of the clan cleared his throat, and said very plainly...

"We shall name him Stephen."

They took their son home and were proud of him, and had found that the cloning was a success, he had all 10 fingers, and all 10 toes. Yet what they were unable to see, until many years later, was that the success and talent their son Alec Baldwin possessed (The Original) had not carried over into each one of his clones. They had instead dwindled with each copy, each one become more and more useless, with Stephen being the most useless of all. It was if the genes themselves, had become diluted with each replication, until the chromosomes and genes of their youngest son Stephen, possessed little more than retardation, alcoholism, and limited talents; his only connection with his older brother Alec, being the vague similarities in their looks.

Alec Baldwin and his clones. (Stephen bottom right.)

Alec was good at everything. Stephen was horrible at everything.

Alec could run the 100 yard dash in 17 seconds flat. Stephen could run the same distance in a hair over 29 seconds.

Alec could get dates whenever he wanted. Stephen struggled to date even the fattest of girls in high school.

This distinction would follow him throughout the rest of his life. . . Stephen Baldwin is like Alec Baldwin Light; the shittier, less desirable, watered down version of what an actor really should be. It is well known that if you can't get Alec Baldwin, surely you can get Stephen, and in the early years of his career, all you would have to pay him with is a bag full of dangerous mind-melting drugs. . . Which he would devour with all the joy of a child given a lollipop after a trip to the doctor.

His start in the entertainment business, started in high school, where he was a rather successful opera singer. This attribute lead him to many, many, massive beatings all throughout his high school campaign. Upon graduation, he vowed to go to a place that was more understanding of queer acts like singing while prancing around in leotards. This lead him to the American Academy of Arts, though he only stayed for one year. He was kicked out due to his endeavors outside of the school, namely sodomy and rampant drug use. From there he lived out a meager existence, living in the shadow of his brother, Alec. He managed to get some roles in television, but only minor parts with limited air time.

His first break came with the Unusual Suspects, a gritty violent movie, which he followed up with Bio-Dome, a light-hearted stoner flic. From there he has done many other countless movies, but none quite as bad as The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, a 90 minute shit fest which no doubt made Joe Barbera and William Hanna roll over in their collective graves, and was an integral part in the demise of Hanna Barbera, which had already been dwindling in the 80's. One would assume his career would sputter out, and he would fade away in the public eye, yet this did not happen. After 9/11 Stephen announced he was a born-again Christian, successfully bringing the medias focus back in his court. He stated that the event "happened in reality, it was something I never thought was possible...the impossible became possible. I'm going to tackle this faith because Jesus really could come back tomorrow!" He had effectively echoed the reasons why so many other people take to God, for fear of a painful retribution for all those who don't believe in him. He also states that his new found faith arose when his Brazilian housekeeper came to him one day, saying that she had a vision from God, and God told her that she came to America to help convert her employer, who just happened to be Stephen Baldwin.

So Stephen traded his bong for a bible, and with his money, he started various cults, including the Breakthrough Ministries (now defunct), Antioch Ministries, said to be a vehicle for the "the gifts and calling of Stephen Baldwin" (now defunct), and his current cult, The Breakthrough Ministry. The goal of his current incarnation of organized religion and retardation, is to evangelize our nations youth with extreme sports, namely skateboarding, Christian rock concerts, laser light shows, fireworks, and other forms of 'faggotry.'

Still today, Stephen Baldwin is the only cloned person to believe in God, despite the fact he did not spring from His loins, but rather those of his own brother, Alec Baldwin. For this, and all previously stated moments of retardation in his career, Infinitely Retarded has the distinct pleasure of declaring Stephen Baldwin, a cloned retard.

clone retardation n. - simply put, retardation resulting from cloning, or retards who attempt to mimic other retards and their various forms of retardation.

FURTHER RETARDATION:

In 2008, Stephen Baldwin joked on air, with Bill O'Riley, that if Obama won the election, he would leave the country... Unfortunately, he's still here.

Also in 2008, Stephen Baldwin revealed to Hanna Montana, a tattoo on his shoulder of her initials, H & M, etched forever upon skin, a constant reminder of his own retardation.


Lenny Kravitz is one of his favorite singers.

In June 2009, Baldwin defaulted on his home, and apparently owes 10's of thousands of dollars to the National City Bank.

He now can be seen weekly, on "I'm a Celebrity. . . Get Me Out of Here," a game show where former somebody's are stranded in the jungle with marvelously perfect lighting for filming, and attempt to win money for charities.

Tim Allen: Disney Legend: Vainly Retarded

Tim Allen's mugshot, seen here looking like an extra from an epsiode of Starsky and Hutch.

"Thank you, uh thank you. . . really." (Not really)

Tim Allen stands at the podium, accepting his Disney Legend award, outside The Michael D. Eisenhower Building, in beautiful Burbank, California. His hands clutch the podium, as he uses it to keep his balance. Apparently the five gin and tonics he had before the ceremony, were a bad idea.

"It truly an honor to be here, to be presented with this fine award in front of the Disney Board. . . Executives, historians, committee members, I thank you. " He began to reach in his pocket, as if to get out a pre-written speech he had prepared prior to the show, but he second guessed it and smiled. He was going to 'wing it.' "You know it was because of Disney and its sister company ABC that I got my big break in the tv and movie business. It was much like a fresh start for me, I was once a very bad man. I got caught with a pound of elict drugs, with intent to sell at a local airport, close to the town I grew up in. I was facing a life sentence, but I gave up some dealers, ratted some people out, and was only given three years in prison.

Where I was raped...

Repeatedly.

Somehow I survived, I left with an alcohol problem where my ego should have been. I was in fact drunk during most of my time filming Home Improvement. . . And as you know I had that little DUI problem in 94'. . ."

Home Improvement-Grunt.

"And I, no doubt had my fair share of drunken tirades on the Santa Clause set, but it was the power of Disney and ABC respectively, that helped me become the man I am today. And that is why, I love you all. . . You guys were the only ones who would give a chauvinistic alcoholic ex-dealer like myself, a decent, fair shot. . . Hell Diseny will let any drug-abusing pedophile come work for them and that all powerful Mouse, with his white linen gloves ever choking the life out of entire generations of young people. . . Depravity is practically required for employment.

But I stand here today, and assure you, that I no longer drink, I won't have another drop, and its all because of you Disney. . ."

He raised his award, and then proceeded to stagger over, falling off the stage and killing himself in a freak accident. Disney, embarassed and vengeful, vowed never to speak of the event, or the man, known as Tim Allen.

But thats not how it happened.

Unfortunately Tim Allen was named a Disney Legend, in 1999, but he did not appear at the ceremony drunk, nor did he fall to his death. He received his award, and all was good.

The award is said to represent three things, and is brought to life through the work of a sculptor who worked metal into a piece of art, the center piece of the award.

The Spiral: for "imagination, the power of an idea," in Tim Allen's case, creating an epically retarded shop hound, who roars out his manly prowess in grunts and barks, like a horny defeated street dog.

The Hand: for "the gifts of skill, discipline and craftsmanship," in Tim Allen's case, the stale comedy that he honed while at The Comedy Store, and that dazed drunkard acting style he practically made his own.

The Wand and The Star: for the "magic: the spark that is ignited when imagination and skill combine to create a new dream," in Tim Allen's case, the well timed grunt of Home Improvement, the innocent yet menancing look of The Santa Clause, and the epic retardation of his stand up work.

Tim Allen, even his signature reeks: alcoholic, arrogant, leave me alone fan I'm better than you.

In eleven years, Tim Allen had successfully gone from drug dealer, to prison inmate, to stand up comedian, to sitcom star, to finally, a Disney Legend. He rose from humble beginnings, in Denver, Colorado. Born Timothy Allen Dick, on June 13, 1953, his parents had no idea how fitting their son's last name really was, not of course until he grew up. Timothy too, accepted his name, he always knew he was a real dick, and went all throughout high school with the surname. But when his comedy career started taking off, he had to change it to Tim Allen, when promoters felt strange putting up DICK in bold black letters on their marquees. His stand up career was rather successful, he often appeared at The Comedy Store (connecting him with Pauly Shore: Legally Retarded) joining the likes of Billy Crystal, Andrew Dice Clay, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Robin Williams, etc . . etc. . . It was on-stage that Tim Allen developed his hot rod enthusiast character, with a head full of grease fumes and the humor of a young child. He possessed genius equivalent to Einstien, when it came to cars, but the retardation of a Neanderthal when it came to his wife and kids.

Enter: Home Improvement.

The show based around a show, called Tool Time, hosted by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, a fitting name, in that Tim is in fact a complete tool. The show is for other complete tools, and is co-hosted by his friend, and punching bag, Al Borland. Al is the geekier smarter one of the duo, and for this he is constantly picked on by Tim "The Complete Tool" Taylor, furthering the psychological implications that Tim Allen has a small brain, and knows it, a "Brains Complex," if you will, and feels the need to effectively destroy anything he doesn't understand with his brute strength, ala John Wayne.

The other voice of reason in the show is Wilson, his brains don't event warrant him any real face time, not on 'Tim Allen's show.' His face is constantly hidden behind the worn planks of a wooden fence. He chimes in with life lessons and quotes on philosophers, while Tim futzes with a leaf blower, and erotically caresses a wrench. Everything Wilson says however, is never truly understood by Tim, who simply responds to his words with a timely grunt.

His work with Home Improvement, would get him 1 Emmy Nomination, and 5 Golden Globe Nominations. He would end up winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Television Series, in 1995.

Home Improvement: Syndicated Retardation from 1991 to 1999.

His television career spilled over into movies, as famous retards are never satisfied with plaguing just one American medium. He has done over 27 movies throughout his career, the most renowned and retarded of which are The Santa Clause (series), Wild Hogs, and Wild Hogs 2 (coming soon.) For his work in Santa Clause, he got himself many private copulations with co-star Eric Lloyd (born in G-Dale, California) who at the time was only 8 years old. His work with Wild Hogs would earn him a massive chain-whipping, served up personally by a group of Hell's Angeles, who were upset that the movie effectively destroyed their image of motorcycles, motorcycle gangs or clubs, and the freedom of the great American open road.

Throught his career Tim Allen's retardation has had but one underlying theme: his machismo, which leaves us all to question how manly this "Tool Man," really is. This along with the success of his Home Improvement glory days, and his subsequent movie career, has given Infinitely Retarded the right to humbly name Tim Allen, vainly retarded.

vain retardation n. - a rare form of retardation, where said retard actually takes pride in their retardation, regarding it with a strange respect and adoration. Said retards are "vainly retarded."

He joins Billy Mays as the two current resident vain retards, here at Infinitely Retarded. Yet allen's retardation differs in that his vanity is based on his machismo, and constant need to prove that he is, indeed, a man.

TIM ALLEN

vainly retarded

FURTHER RETARDATION:

I actually saw Tim Allen in real life, at the Glendale Galleria. The douche was standing there, on his cell phone, lost in the mall, talking and trying to look like he wasn't trying to get noticed. He talked loudly on his cell phone, standing tall and perhaps even flexing his muscles for the ladies. He clutched a Mac bag, you've seen them, very distinguishable, as if to say "Oh yes, I'm cool, I'm trendy, I shop Mac."

"You know I met Tim Allen once."

"Oh really?"

"YEAH WHAT A DOOOOUCHE!"