Ten Reasons Why Encino Man is a Good (Retarded) Movie

The following could easily be stated as the reasons why Encino Man is a bad movie, but it is very much like that famous and over used quote, its all how you look at it.

1.  Samwise Gamgee and His Quest to Become Popular

You know. . . that hobbit fuck who totally had a hobbit chub for Elijah Wood.  Well before that he tried to become the most popular boy in the entire world. . .

Hey Stoney, am I not the biggest loser ever?

The film opens with Samwise Gamgee digging his pool, with the hopes that upon completing it, he'll be able to throw an awesome pool party and instantly become popular during his Senior Year.  This of course, in his mind, leads up to becoming Prom King and getting the girl of his dreams - some chick he knew ever since they were little.  The problem is that literally every neighbor around him has a pool, making the venture rather uneventful and entirely not special.  Besides, Samwise seems to forget that a d-bag with a pool, is still a d-bag.

While digging his pool, he uncovers a caveman bowl and a caveman, imprisoned in ice.  What does Samwise's mind jump to immediately?   Why enrolling the caveman in school and using him to become popular because he is anything but that.  To make matters worse, his parents never listen to him, he dresses like a complete ass, and his best friend is Pauly Shore, a moppy headed hippie freak with a mo-ped for a ride.

Talk about a pathetic retarded asshole.

2.  The Birth of 'The Weasel'

Hey Bu-udy...

The Weasel comes on full force in this movie, and is practically invented, right in front of the ever loving screen.  The Weasel of course is Pauly Shore's characterization of the 90's generation.  He played a suburban kid who lives off of packaged foods and talks so peculiarly that most adults can't even understand him.  Observe the Weasel in his natural habitat:

Enjoy the greatness that is Pauly Shore.

He created a language so foreign that only die hard Pauly Shore fans could understand him, with words like:

melon:  head, skull, mind

chirp: to say, talk

grindage:  food, preferably under the 'junk' category

tweaked: screwed, fucked

lobes: ears

keep on cruising:  move along

crusty: ugly, unfavorable

mop: hair, preferably long

gear: clothing

munch: eat

cheeks: butt cheeks

serious beak: pretty face

greasy: dirty

wheeze: party

buff:  hot, attractive

3. The Caveman Actually Becomes Popular

After a make over and enrolling Brendan Fraser, the caveman, into school (which was ridiculously easy by the way,) not only does he win over everyone within a week, but he also gets himself a hot chick by running up on her and molesting her.  This of course pisses off the main antagonist in the movie, who plays the typical high school jerk who is cool but is potentially the biggest asshole in the world.

Now could this be a commentary on popularity in high school in general? I mean all the jocks become popular, and aren't they practically modern cave men anyway?  Couldn't be, because he even befriends the computer club, which is headed by, surprise surprise, an Asian guy. . .

Or is it a commentary on the shitty state of the education system in America, so bad that even a caveman can skate on by?

Probably not.  The answer is choice 'C.'

Its just a movie, stupid.  A retarded one at that, which is why its so damn good.

4.  Samwise 'The Stalker'

Like mah shitty screen cap?

Samwise isn't your typical nerd who loves the lead cheerleader secretly and doesn't have the nerve to ever talk to her or ask her out, instead functioning on creepy frequencies.  Nah, that aint his style, instead he's direct and straight to the point.  From accosting her in the halls, to waving to her in the middle of class (even as her douchey boyfriend hands from around her neck) Samwise does everything he can to get his dream girl Robyn.  He even shows her a picture of them as young children in a bath tub completely naked, boasting how they've 'both been naked together.'

He also runs up on her and says shit like "did you miss me?" when obviously she can't stand him and has no interest of ever seeing him romantically.

Not only that, but when he gets arrested with Brendan Fraser for being underage at a bar, he uses his one phone call to ask her to the prom, to which she replies in the negative.

Oh the lulz.

5. Birth of The Brendan Fraser Stereotype

Whut you mean?

Although he plays a caveman, Brendan Fraser plays the attractive hero who at the end gets the chick.  Little did anyone know that Brendan Frasier would then go on to play practically the same part for the rest of his career (with the exception of maybe Bedazzled, differing in that he's not really an action star but a total fucking loser, but even then, he still gets the chick at the end.)  Brendan Fraser blows so much ass he couldn't act his way out of a Loony Toons Movie, let alone carry it, which is sad considering everyone else on screen as two dimensional, annoying as hell, and still fueled by the same fucking skits they did forty years ago. . . 

Guess they have a lot in common, actually.

6. Samwise Actually Gets the Chick at The End

We're just as confused gurrrl.

Despite being a total stalker throughout their entire relationship (especially during their high school years, when she 'became a babe,') his dream girl Robyn suddenly decides to date him, despite being a total d-bag and less coordinated, popular, and attractive.  Yep, Samwise gets his big pool party at the end of the year, which everyone attends, and even gets to make out with Robyn the whole time.

A prime example as to why Holden Caulfield called movies phony.

7.  Set Up For a Sequel

Pauly Shore appears at the end saying "I'll be back," ala Arnold Schwartzenegger in Terminator, in part because our cave man friend said it, and in part because the producers actually thought this piece of shit would be good enough to warrant a sequel - and you know what?  They're right.

Just imagine it. . . Encino Man but without Brendan Fraser because he's too famous to do a dog shit sequel, with Pauly Shore and maybe even Sean Austin, who knows?  Ah man, that would perhaps be the greatest movie. . . ever.  This adds to the lulz of the movie, because as we all know, hoping for a sequel was certainly wishful thinking, and setting up the end of the movie to hint at one, when it was in no way a possibility just makes you look foolish, dare I say down right retarded.

8.  Pauly Shore Drunkenly Promotes the Movie

This one hardly needs any explanation, which believe me, totally works for me (I'm sure you too.)  Anyway, check it out:

(Disapproving head shake at 1:04)  "Hopefully I'll be doing a fresh piece in a couple."  Translation:  Hopefully I'll be fucking a fine hot chick in a couple of minutes.

9.  Theres No Fucking Villian

The D-bag on the right.

The closest thing to an antagonist in this movie is the D-bag boyfriend who picks on Samwise for being a nerd and constantly hitting on his girlfriend (Robyn.)  He even picks a fight with our caveman friend, who takes a punch from the douche and simply walks away.  This makes our caveman friend popular, which pisses off the antagonist, so he goes and researches about him.

At the end of the movie at the big prom the whole movie was building up to, the antagonist douche rushes the stage and reveals Brenden Frasier to be a caveman, and no one gives a shit.  The movie just ends happily ever after and everyone goes on living their life, like nothing ever happened.

Wow, what  waste of time. . . I mean we're talking storytelling 101 here.

10.  Link Becomes a Running Gag in Pauly Shore Movies

By the way, which ever d-bag of a movie reviewer who said Son in Law was 'outrageously funny!' was fucking lying.

Brendan Fraser's character Link in the movie Encino Man also makes a cameo appearing in Son in Law, where he is scene briefly eating the head of a frog in the middle of a class, much like he did in the movie.  He also appears briefly in the movie In the Army Now, with the great Andy Dick, as another one of the recruits. He is seen wearing an army uniform with a name reading Link across his breast.

10 Reasons Why The Adventures of Pluto Nash is a Good (Retarded) Movie

The following, one might state as the reasons why The Adventures of Pluto Nash is the worst movie perhaps ever made, but it is like they say: its all how you look at it.

1.  Jay Mohr Singing in a Fucking Kilt

whats the use of havin' religion

First of all, when starting a movie, its important to build up some tension, or at least get the audience excited a little.  For Pluto Nash, this means Jay Mohr singing some horrid tune while playing an according to an empty bar with horrible standards when it comes to sanitation, and a less than homey feel.  All fuckin' right.  Jay Mohr of course, is that douchetard who wasn't funny enough to carry a comedy by himself, and wasn't quite handsome enough to carry a romance flick, so he was stuck doing a combination of the two in such sudden bouts of retardation, it was enough to make even the corniest of losers laugh right in his face.

2.  Randy Quaid Plays a Robot, a Horny One

Fuck dah police

Randy Quaid plays a robot, and not just any robot, but an old run down one, of a now defunct model now longer popular in the random decade of 2080.  This is no doubt an allusion to his real life and acting career, as they don't quite make em like they made Randy Quaid, and he is indeed -damaged goods-.  Not only that, but he's been loaded up with hot wiring techniques and knows all about smuggling.  He's a renegade robot, which is great, because these days Randy Quaid is a renegade actor on the run for running up yet another hotel bill he had no way of possibly paying.  One must wonder if he used this role as inspiration for his antics in court, for he at times seemed crazy enough to walk into the place with a couple of guns intent on filling the whole place with a couple of extra holes.

3.  Albino Black Man

I hate you dadeh.

Now most considerate, mature, normal people don't make fun of others shortcomings, especially when these shortcomings are out of their hands, and cannot be as quickly remedied as a mere outbreak out pimples, or an awkward voice not yet matured, but alas, I am not often considerate, mature, or normal, at least not online anyway.  Besides, the guy is a comedian and its like 90% of his shitty act.  Yes, Pluto Nash features an albino black guy, who've they have made out to be dumb and real ornery.  Talk about getting screwed over: where's my go back to the sack and wait for a better genetic match card?

4.  The Body Morph Scene

How bout some more man-dick?

Eddie Murphy and his lovely co-star walk into a joint that offers body morphing for those who no longer enjoy the body that random genetics has given them.  It is yet another one of the many lovely inventions man has brought to the world now that he has finally crawled off that God forsaken planet called Earth and found the moon a suitable place to plague and defile (good to see we still aren't vain and obsessed with outward appearances in the future...)  The two proceed to preview their alterations in real time, with specific presets, yet at one point Eddie feels the need to make some alterations, and effectively outs himself not only as a womanizer, but also a douche:  "some more bubbalage to the butt," and "titties galore," being some of his alteration instructions. . . Now anyone familiar with Eddie's past knows whats coming next, as Eddie's dream girl not only has a big ass and big tits, but also has a big dick, dangling between her legs. . . In fact Eddie got caught by police in 1997 with a transvestite hooker in his car, right before the release of the movie Holy Man, a film in which he plays 'God,' only with shit tons more advice constantly spewing out of his mouth.  

Some people are touched by this, but they don't realize everything coming out of his mouth is completely bullshit.

Talk about hilarious.

If you can't trust a man who hooks up with random hookers, who can you trust?

5.  Eddie Murphy Tries His Hand at Action

Not only does he dodge potential fire, but he also returns it with all the authenticity of  a person who has seen more than their fair share of shitty cop movies.  I don't know whats worse quite frankly, Eddie Murphy trying to be a dad on screen, or Eddie Murphy trying to act like he's actually held a gun before.  Standards have changed in regards to action movies, but unfortunately Eddie is still stuck in the eighties, and its entirely apparent.  My favorite scene is when a bomb suddenly goes off and Eddie jumps for his lovely co-star in attempt to shield her, but it is quiet apparently he tries his best to protect her tits, as both hands go for both fleshy mounds like a virgin at a dark movie theater.

6.  Eddie Murphy Tries His Hand at The Romantic Role

Given a romantic interest, Eddie Murphy goes to work, with all the charm of a street pimp in need of a couple of new hos.  Not only is he entirely wishy-washy throughout the whole movie, he's also borderline sexist and intensely retarded, but naturally, this being a product of Hollywood, he gets the chick, no matter how vile he acts, after all, he's the "Great Pluto Nash."

7.  Luis Guzman

This guy owns, he's the only guy to have been in movies with Dennis Leary, Adam Sandler, and Eddie Murphy without earing that 'total douchebag' title.  Anyone who can pull that off, has got to be good. Not only that, but he's actually funny in this, despite being bogged down by Mr. Giggles and Psycho Santa.

8.  Shameless Cameos

The movie not only features Foxy Brown, but also the dude who played Young Frankenstein, Peter Boyle.  Any sign of a total shitfest, and therefore movie worth watching due to unmeasurable amounts of lulz, is shit tons of cameos, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash is no different.  Its almost like getting a shit cake, topped with peanut butter cups, its nice there are peanut butter cups, but the problem is their dipped in shit, you know what I mean? 

9.  The 100 Million Dollar Budget

Fail

The Adventures of Pluto Nash is widely criticized because it cost a hundred million dollars to make, and in return only hauled in 7 million dollars.  This alone, makes for plenty of lulz, especially when considering that the movie was also criticized for having shitty computer graphics and horrible humor.  So obviously the money wasn't spent on computer imagery, so what was it spent on?  Eddie's hookers of course.

10.  Eddie Murphy plays Eddie Murphy. . .?

Who dat?

Everyone knows Eddie Murphy likes to stretch himself thin when in a movie by playing multiple rolls.  Well in the case of Pluto Nash, Eddie Murphy plays Eddie Murphy. . . No fat suit, no extensive cosmetics, Eddie literally plays himself, a character more like his real self: a complete and utter asshole.  What follows of course is your typical fight scene in which the two clones get mixed up in such a way that there is no way for anyone to tell who's who. . . Oh, did I just ruin it for you?

Whats hilarious about this is Eddie isn't even trying to hide that he's playing another role.  Its almost like his head has gotten so big that Eddie figures more Eddie means more star power, when in actuality more Eddie equals more annoyance power.

Laugh your way out of this one, douchetard.

And there you have it.  When considered together, not only do you have a terribly good shitty movie, but you also have a bit of retardation you can't help but pass up.  These things should be kept in mind the next time some moron brings up the idea of watching this movie (this never happens,) for when you take the movies history into account, it makes for many great laughs and as I previously stated, a damn good (retarded) movie.

It is for these reasons that iR declares The Adventures of Pluto Nash, completely retarded.

love,

iR

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