Posts
The gym had been prepared for an assembly the day prior, much to the anger of the basketball team, who now sat with everyone else in crowded quarters in chairs lined along the hardwood. A slight murmur rose up in the gym, the majority of the conversation regarding the stage. A stage had been built and housed nearly a dozen flags, and was flanked on all sides by red, white, and blue. Large Roman columns rose up in front of the stage serving more for looks than anything else. The podium had remained empty, but was presently occupied by the school's principal, an ugly little man who absolutely detested children.
"Silence! Silence!' He pounded the podium with his fist. His pink round head peered up over the podium, barely visible, but the mere reputation of his wickedness silenced the mumbling crowd. "As you may or may not know--but judging from this current class it would be safe to assume the latter, that you in fact do not know--today is the sixty-seventh anniversary of D-Day, a day when a lot of young Americans took to foreign lands in an effort to defeat evil. And they did. But I don't want to get too far into it, as I am rather excited about our speaker here today who has come all this way to tell you all about it. So without further ado, I present to you. . . The future President of the United States of America, Sarah. . . Palin!"
The initial shock gave way to applause as the witch herself came out donned in a bright red suit.
"Thank you, thank you," she said, her voice echoing out through the tiny gym and bouncing off the wooden floor just like a bouncing basket ball. "I'd like to thank you for having me here. As your principal stated, today is the 67th anniversary of D-Day. . . but not really. You see a lot of people don't know this but D-Day actually began 10 days earlier."
The crowd collectively gasped, but only for a moment. Sarah only smiled, and once again the students began their collective grumbling but it was ceased yet again by the angry pink face of their principal. He apparently had not been listening, caught up in his own infatuation with the woman, with the lady in red.
"D-Day marks the day we as Americans entered World War 2, which up until this point had been fought by the Island of Germany and China against the British, the French and the Transylvanians. We entered the war after President Kennedy had a premonition of Adolf Hitler singling out Jewish people and using them to run an evil theme park for the enjoyment of him and his soldiers. Being America, we detested the very idea of slavery, as seen by the fact that in our nation's history we have never practiced it, and thusly decided to enter the war."
The reaction was mixed, though bordering on general hysteria. Some simply sat in shock, their mouths open, some looking at one another in dismay. The braver students, and those who were particularly outraged started heckling Palin, knowing of their principal's love for dealing out punishment (which, as it seemed, was surpassed only by his love of one, Sarah Palin). Unfortunately Palin found their heckling to be directed towards slavery, and not her, and thusly continued.
"I know. I know! We all hate slavery right?! So we spotted Hitler and his army entrenched on their island with our satellites, and shipped our armed forces over immediately under the care of General Custard. Our boys hit that beachhead, and Tom Hanks was there, and Vin Diesel, and one guy lost his arm and was carrying it with his remaining good arm, and after much fighting we took that beachhead. It was a victory that lead eventually to the downfall of Hitler and his evil theme park. We freed the Jews and Charlie Chaplin, who had been taken as a prison of war."
"In the end, a man shot at a tank with a pistol, and we were after all able to save that young private, but at the cost of how many lives? The sacrifices made to keep this country free are just another example of the beauty of freedom. So many people are willing to give their lives so that others may live the American Way of life. And they do this because American life is good and awesome. Besides, this private we saved from a horrible death at the hands of the venomous Germans would go on to make a great deal of good movies, like 'Good Will Hunting.'Luckily, one brave soldier managed to survive the entanglement and record it all for posterity. Which I will show you now. Be warned however, that the following footage may be a bit disturbing; but such is war."
The lights went down.
The lights came up. There was silence, save for Sarah Palin at the podium, wiping a phony tear from her eye and trying her best to hold back the emotion within her.
"What cinematography for way back then, am I right?"
She laughed, still wiping the tears from her eyes and looking to ease the tension a bit. For some reason the room felt incredibly hot. She assumed it must have been the result of so many bodies in such a confined space not built for such a capacity of human flesh, and simply smiled and attempted to continue her speech. But it seemed to she had forgot the rest of it. Easing herself behind the podium she took a quick glance at her cheat sheet, written on the palm of her hand. A chorus of boos arose from the students, who had finally had enough of this ninnie.
Their principal rose from his seat, furious that his students would make him look bad, furious that they would dare interrupt his beloved. His pink face turned a bright crimson, he looked so mad many figured steam would shoot out of his ears but it didn't. He simply trembled as rage built within him. He turned a brighter and brighter red, as his very eyes swelled and all these thoughts of hatred bubbled to the surface of his brain.
A real tea pot with a fitting round belly.
"Stop this! Stop this this instant!" he steamed "You will not insult Mrs. Palin like this!" When the booing continued he started picking out individuals for damnation. "Phillp Peters, detention! Sally Welsh, detention! Stop this! Stop this!"
He paraded up and down the stage, stomping his feet. He shouted, he raged, yet still he could not control his students. . . He knew he hated children, and this was precisely why. He made idle threats, and when all else failed he could only think to turn to Mrs. Palin and apologize, but turning to the podium he had found that she had fled the scene.
And instantly, his heart sank.
In recent news Sarah Palin told reporters that Paul Revere had run to the British and warned them of the militia, firing his musket in the air with one hand and lifting a lantern with the other, and apparently holding the reigns of his horse with his third hand (betcha didn't know that). Naturally, anyone who's seen Looney Toons knows that Paul Revere actually warned revolutionaries that 'The British are coming. . . the British are coming. . ." Apparently history reports that not even this is true, that Revere only made half the ride and ending up getting 100 percent of the credit.
Well apparently, Sarah Palin was correct in her statement, or so some douchers state. Mr. Revere was later captured during his 'Midnight Ride' by the Red Coats and in turn, like a total pussy gave up information to them that there was indeed a militia awaiting them. But this is not what Sarah Palin said. She claimed his mission was to tell the British that there was a militia looking to repel their advance. This clearly was not his mission. Nor did he ride around on his horse shooting his musket off (one handed?) and ringing a bell for the soul purpose of intercepting the Red Coats. In what world, other than Sarah Palin's, would an armed force send out a messenger to inform a much larger enemy with a reputation for conquering of the former's presence?
After attacks regarding her intelligence and knowledge of American History, Sarah Palin claimed it was just an attempt by (liberal) media to try and put her on the spot and try and make her look stupid with a "gotcha question." Yet she was asked "What have you seen so far today, and what are you going to take away from your visit?" She then proceeded to indulge that she had recently learned she had just visited a site that was once frequented by Paul Revere as a teenager, and then spat out her terrible mistake.
Even more frightening, and retarded, is that Palin followers have actually resorted to trying to edit Paul Revere's Wikipedia page so that it may coincide with her statement. . . Come on guys, you know Wikipedia is hardly credible, right? Changing a website hardly changes history, does it not?
And it is for these reasons that iR declares Sarah Palin and her followers; completely retarded.
Apparently a lot of people want to fuck Sarah Palin. There are numerous amounts of photoshopped photos of her head placed atop the bodies of much bustier women. . . Also an entire porn series has been devoted to her, complete with a Sarah Palin look-a-like.
Palin was once a local news sportscaster. You mean like Champ? Yup, with equally awesome sideburns.
In high school she played on the basketball team, which in her Senior year, won the Alaskan State Championship. During her time on the team she was give the nickname "Sarah Barracuda."
Opposes bans on semi-automatic weapons.
Palin: "The Tea Party is the future of politics in America."
love,
iR
