The Genetic Retardation of MTV's Jersey Shore

In 1916, The Jersey Shore was plagued with a string of deadly shark attacks, from a shark said to be a man eater hellbent on eating Jersey kids. Yellowed newspapers from the time tell of a monster born in the darkest depths of the ocean, a creature fat with the meat of thousands of seals, a finned demon with razor sharp teeth and a lust for eating bigger, larger creatures like humans. People became upset, so they took to boats with spears and guns and things. His string of attacks went all along the Jersey Shore, and took 6 victims before he was eventually killed. Only one victim survived. Here is a map of his attacks:

In 1987-1988, The Jersey Shore experienced what they called The Syringe Tide - as the waters there became polluted with medical waste from a nearby landfill called Fresh Kills Landfill. It gets its name from the nearby estuary that starts in Staten Island on landfill, and empties out into the Atlantic Ocean along the Jersey Shore. The people became outraged, so they took to boats and went up to the Landfill with guns and spears and things, but the Landfill, being New York's primary dumping grounds, was full of trash, which attracted feral dogs. The dogs killed 5 people, but things got a little better after that. Here is a map of feral dog attacks on Freshkills Landfill:

In 2009, The Jersey Shore experienced its worst tragedy yet: a man named Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino spent one month with 7 other roommates in Seaside, New Jersey for an MTV reality show aptly named "Jersey Shore." His string of attacks took 26 women, 12 of which ended up impregnated. There was no outrage though. There were no newspaper articles out about him being a woman eater, or a monster from the depths of a tanning booth somewhere in New Jersey, with six pack abs he shamelessly called "The Situation." There were no angry husbands, or fathers, or brothers, or boyfriends running around New Jersey with shotguns and spears and things.

Sometimes life is funny that way.

Here is a map of his attacks:

The following is a record of one such night, when "The Situation" tried to commit one of his many attacks on the female population of The Jersey Shore.

July 20th, 2009:

After running the guido gauntlet of the tanning salon and the gym Ronnie, "The Situation," and Vinny head to the barber for a fresh cut. Ronnie and "The Situation take to opposite chairs while Vinny waits in the wings. For some, barber shops are like social clubs in which one can spout off all the stupid shit in their life, and for a guido, its no different. In The Situation's case, a trip to the barber shop gives him the opportunity to gloat about any hook ups that may or may not have happened so that he may further promote the greatness that is The Situation.

"Now everybody knows about the alcohol, its a given. But when you're trying to hook up with a chick you don't just have to booze her up, no, no, no. The Situation has one tool in his arsenal which most guys don't utilize, and that my friends is the jacuzzi. You gotta put em in the jacuzzi - let em soak, you know what I mean - give em fifteen minutes like a soft boiled egg and after that they're like putty in your hands. And believe me, that's the type of situation you want to be in."

"Wait. . . I thought you were The Situation." Ronnie says. "Why would I want to be in you?"

"I am, but I was using the word situation, you know how you're suppose to use it, you know grammatically and shit."

"I think those tanning booths have fried your brain." Vinny can only think to shake his head. "Soft boiled eggs only take 2 minutes."

"Ladies love "The Situtation." Mike smiles. "Besides what do you know? You haven't even hooked up with nobody yet."

"You mean anybody." Vinny says but decides to forgo the grammar lesson for he realized the first night that he was far smarter than the rest of them, which isn't saying very much, and found that it was best not to try and explain things, for it would only confuse them further. "But not that that matters anyway - Who have you hooked up with? I, unlike you, don't think having sex with a passed out chick is considered hooking up. . ."

"Yeah Vin, I think its considered rape." Ronnie says.

"Aww whatever." At first its apparent Mike is taken aback, but his ego, like a good friend is always there to blanket the truth. He smirks and tries to think of something clever to say, but all that comes out is this:

"Don't hate the player, fellas, hate the game."

Once they found their hair acceptable, they went to their Jersey Shore home, complete with nearly a hundred Italian Flags - on the garage door, in the living room, on furniture and tvs. Life was good, they had a sweet pad and a great chef in Mike "The Situation," a man who put charcoal on a gas grill, a man who sprays PAM into pans until they flame up and nearly burn his eyebrows off. After a quick lunch everyone takes to preparing for a night at the club. For a guido, this is very much like preparing for battle, for the club scene on Jersey Shore is a volatile arena where young adults stalk one another like cats and take to dulling their already primitive minds with heavy amounts of alcohol until there's nothing left in their heads other than a brutish reasoning and power, coupled with a quick fuse that could be lit with a simple bad look, or simple insult.

When night fall comes, the guidos come out to play.

They go to a local club called KARMA, where they get drinks and the fist pumping begins:

FIST PUMPING LIKE CHAMPS!

After awhile the group is feeling amiable enough with one another that the whole group starts dancing together in a circle. It starts with the pounding of the ground in time with the beat and eventually evolves into complete fist pumping. Their dance is a descendant of the same sort of dances their Italian ancestors did as long as 200 years ago at weddings and joyous occasions. Although today the preferred music is house music, and the dance involves grinding, intoxication, mini skirts and exposed beavers.

Yay.

After much drink and much dancing, the crew of Jersey Shore's 8 guidos and guidettes stumble its way home, but there's a problem. The Situation and DJ Pauly D haven't picked up any girls, so as the group strolls home, the two of them are on the prowl for staggies.

staggies n. - drunk ladies who are perceived as being an easy lay, the name comes from their tendency to have poor balance as a result of alcohol intoxication.

The Situation walks down the sidewalk with his shirt lifted, showing the nearby traffic his abs, hoping it'll be the bait he needs to reel in some ladies. And like a fisherman, he's patient, because The Situation plays the number game: if you make a hundred phone calls asking women out and at least 1 accepts, then you're a winner. And like a winner, "The Situation" reeled in a pair of guidettes who happened to be driving by in a black convertible. They already know who he is, as well as Pauly D, as they had already gained a reputation as being a couple of douche bag guidos looking to fuck anyone willing to let them. Pauly D and The Situation find this to be quite flattering, so they in turn high five one another right there in the street. Despite their reputation the women agree to go to their house, as it is still nonetheless an opportunity to be on T.V, and to some people being on T.V. with a total douche bag is better than not being on T.V. at all. So they went back to the house, and Pauly D and The Situation showed the ladies the jacuzzi, as step #1: getting them drunk, had already been completed by other guys at some bar along the Jersey Shore.

Just as The Situation said, in 15 minutes they are back down in the house, in the Situation and Pauly D's room, "hooking up." After awhile one pushes Pauly D away and says:

"I gotta go, I gotta get home. . . My mom is like gonna be pissed." Which is really girl code for "This guy is freaking me out, lets get the fuck out of here, NOW."

"Whattaya mean?" Situation asks.

"I mean we gotta go, like I gotta get home, I have an early day tomorrow."

"Ok well. . ."

"Well she's gonna have to go with me, she drove me." She said.

"Really? . . ." The Situation knows his plight already. "Well uh. . . ok."

And just like that the two got up and left.

And just like that, the mighty Situation came up to bat.

And just like that he had struck out. (Ever read The Natural?)

The next day he would appear in the barber shop, boasting about how he and Pauly D had hooked up with two chicks the previous night.

iR

Lawl, check out this guy:



*And so I half ass yet another project.

The Dog and His Pack

*Warning, contains the racist thoughts of one Duane "Dog" Lee Chapman.

In 2007, A&E, desperate for ratings decided to sign with Duane Chapman, Dog the Bounty Hunter. What followed was years of success, as epic retards flocked to their televisions and watched white trash hunt white trash. What makes Dog so successful?

Well, lets take a look at the family tree, shall we?

There's Dog, the head of the pack, aptly named because his main interest in life is hunting down other men, sniffing them out in their crack dens, in their girlfriend's homes after jumping bail, in forests, in bushes - where ever they may hide. He likes it when you run too, his tail goes to wagging like mad and he takes to barking out taunts about the proficiency of his nose and in turn, his ability as a tracker. He's as headstrong and sure as a bloodhound.

But what about his history? Well its as white trash as his hair cut - in fact his hairdo is really a representation of his entire life. . .


a. He's got that Vanilla soft-serve swoop at the top of his head, formed with the expert eye of someone with real taste and an excess amount of hair spray. It represents the reformation, the wave of horrible deeds (the decline) that lead him down the primrose path to destruction that suddenly broke back and changed itself (the upward swoop). For in his past he had been a convicted felon, a suspected murderer, and a well known racist (well that part never changed,) but after all of that, he saw the light, he became a man of God and took to hunting criminals as a soldier of Him, the Lord Almighty. . .

b. There's the long golden tendrils with a slight curl like Shirley Temple. They represent his 14 children, for his locks are as long and as vast as his retarded inbred clan. He's got short kids, fat kids, tall kids, skinny kids, young and old, and all of them work for the family business: bounty hunting. For it is the rule in the Chapman family, that if you are capable of holding a gun, then you are capable of working for the family business, even if your only eight, or pregnant* (*As seen in Season 6, Episode 1.)

c. The combed sides, the beginning of the hair-waterfalls. They represent his "caution to the wind" life style; that need to run headlong into danger and live day to day. That certain manliness that comes from threatening people with a paintball gun, knowing full well they just might have a real weapon on them at any time. . . That sort of fool-heartedness that lead Duane to drop out of school while he was only in the 7th grade.

d. Although it is not a part of his hairdo, his bounty hunters badge is a big symbol for the Dog as well. He keeps it around his chest at all times like a crucifix, in case you mistake him for the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz "Fuck you*, the Lion didn't wear no badge!" (*Fuck you is Dog's only response when it comes to any challenge or adversity, as seen in Seasons 1 through 6.)


Then there's the second in command - his wife. She's the pig - she can sniff out truffles buried deep under rotting stumps in even the deepest of bogs. When she was younger, she was a real eighties queen, with chemical hair and bleached roots and a fashion sense unrivaled by even the trashiest of trailer park chicks. She was rescued by Dog, who sniffed out her tainted vagina and plucked her up from the dusty bowl of nothing she was living in, just picked her up like an angel with majestic white wings and a deceptive mullet the color of corn. From there, it was off to a better life. She's his right hand man, the holder of the leash, the one who gives it a tight tug when Dog becomes too beastly. Aside from that most of her time is spent trying to contain her ginormous tits, which she could conceal with whole sheets of canvas and still struggle to contain. She has also done great work shitting out puppies for the Dog. Like this guy:


The Office Manager - the paper pusher who's only needed on hunts when the shit gets thick. His name is Duane Lee Chapman Jr. - another fitting name for a member of Dog's pack, for he's like his dad, only before all of the drugs. He even looks like him, he's got the same love for tough guy stances and grizzly beards. His 34 years of existence were shaped and molded by the Dog, who has taught him everything he knows. There is a particular memory which remains clear in his mind, one of his father Dog teaching him just the right way to hook a man by the knee and take him down.

"Now see what you do boy is you grab the spic by the leg right here like so. . . And then when he's down you stomp him out, just like the little black cockroach he is." He illustrated the stomping motion he liked to use. "But not until you cuff em first." A slight wink. "And never show fear, fear is what gets you killed, and no boy of mine is getting snuffed out by no colored miscreant."

It is advice like this, that all Chapman boys can expect growing up. . . boys like this fellow, one of Duane Chapman Jr's 9 brothers.


Leland - the prized jewel of the pack. He's given the job title of Foreman, and is considered to be the most successful Chapman, in that he is the only one out of his 13 other brothers and sisters to have graduated from high school (The Great Suck.) With this precious jewel of education embedded in his academic crown, he took crime and spent time for mugging a tourist. Soon after he shaved his head, but only on the sides and started training to be an MMA fighter. A couple douchey tattoos later and he was out of the MMA game and back with the pack, where he belonged all along. . .


Then of course there's Wilson Chapman, Head of the Guns Division. . . The youngest pack member to ever hold such an important position.

But I digress. . . why is Dog the Bounty Hunter so popular?

Because its genetic retardation at its best.

iR

I would do a Further Retardation, but I'm tired of writing about this fuckwad.

The State of Utah - Genetically Retarded

Its Thursday night in Salt Lake City, Utah, and that means only one thing: its Hang a Faggot Night at Energy Solutions Arena. Energy Solutions Arena is the sports venue built to house 20,000 basketball fans, 56 Luxury Suites, and 668 Club Seats. Its built like a college arena, which is to say its small but well utilized, so much so that a polygamist and hard-core Jazz fan could keep an eye on his 13 wives and 14 children, without having to strain his eyes. The arena was constructed solely to help generate money, and until lately, it has been a rather luck-luster endeavor. A statue of Karl Malone sits out front, his visage captured in bronze, standing tall in a Jazz uniform, holding a hunting rifle and smiling proud. Another statue stands near by, John Stockton, his hands on his hips, his infamous short shorts well intact and preserved until the end of time. Mormons out front hand out pamphlets about their religion, amongst all the hecklers, the scalpers, and men behind stands selling programs.

Third Game of the series, Lakers and Jazz, fans adopting that usual mob mentality, yelling at players and booing Kobe every time he touches the ball. It is among their brethren that they feel most comfortable, as if their face won't be matched with a hateful slur of words or a death threat. When alone though, they are as fragile as fine China, as weak as waxpaper. Well known facts are that at any Utah Jazz game, there are at least 40 KKK members, 800 NRA members, and 250 self-admitted products of incest. . . and all of them sitting together, as if their respective clubs raffle em out at every hate-meeting. The camera pans the crowd, none of them drinking beers, most of them white, healthy. . . full of shit. A man leans over and whispers something into his daughters ear, rubbing her thighs suggestively, while wife stares out into the distance with half lit eyes. Much to their enjoyment, the Jazz lead most of the game, holding a slight lead at half-time. The half-time show, advertised as Hang-A-Faggot Night, is quite popular among Jazz fans, it often draws the biggest audiences and does much in padding the wallets of the brains behind the whole scheme.
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Faggot hanged, taking him exactly 2 minutes, 36 seconds to cease breathing and die... He was taken down and the dancers came out with a new routine set to the song "Soldja Boy." The Utah Jazz mascot, known simply as Jazz Bear tried to attempt a massive dunk through a ring of fire, but was shot dead midflight. A fan and apparent hunter, apparently was just looking for one more prize to hang up in his living room, which is already said to be festooned with skunks, various elks, beaver, hawks, and a giant moose head. Perhaps having a bear be the mascot for the Jazz team, wasn't such a good idea after all, beside the fact that a bear has nothing to do with Jazz, nor does Jazz have anything to do with Utah.
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The game played out with very little drama, the Utah scum playing just good enough to beat out the Lakers. . . The most frustrating part had to be watching these genetically retarded individuals enjoy themselves. The majority of them were all the products of decades of interbreeding, in the backwoods, along the creek, in dilapidated cabins by the lake. Its a wonder these people can even dress themselves. I half expected to see at any moment a redneck in a fresh new trucker hat, smiling gleefully among his genetically retarded brethren.
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genetic retardation: Retardation which is shared by blood and/or genes. Victims are said to be "genetically retarded."
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Its is no doubt that many of the people in Utah suffer from various different types of retardation, but none is more prevalent than genetic retardation. . . 80% of Utah is genetically retarded, most of whom live in and around Salt Lake City. . . This hotbed of retardation is said to have been the promise land for Brighamn Young and his fellow Mormons, all of whom have no doubt been interbreeding since their arrival 1847: a staggering statistic when you consider its current population of 1,686,703 people: all of the same blood, related some how by some way or the other. They're good people, with a love for nature, hunting, sniffing glue, and of course God. They are like any other family suffering from lack of a vast gene pool due to inbreeding: constant medical conditions, epic retardation, physical abnormalities, and a firm believe in some sort of God, which no doubt probably hates them...
Utah has been the home of such individuals as:

• Sam Walton, founder of Walmart
• Karl Rove political adviser to George H.W. Bush
• Warren G. Harding
• Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari and Chuck-E-Cheese
• John Stockton, Karl Malone
• Steve Young, QB for 49ers
• Rosanne Barr, comedian, actor, dyke
• Donny Osmond, Marie Osmond
• Robert Redford
• James Woods
• Jewel
• Faye Dunaway
• Ted Bundy, serial killer
• Butch Cassidy, Mormon convicted of double murder
  

The entire state of Utah, its peoples, its Jazz fans, are hereby added to the annals of Infinitely Retarded, in the subgroup of Genetically Retarded individuals.