The Hopeless Retardation of MTV's Geordie Shore

That sickness once believed to be a 'Jersey Thing' has crossed the mighty Atlantic and has germinated in, of all places, New Castle, England. It has infected a group of people along the River Tyne, people known as Geordies, who's accent was once declared "the most attractive in England," but to an American ear is unintelligible and entirely foreign sounding when drowned in alcohol.  Knowledgeable of this disease MTV took the another opportunity to cash in on its social infiltration and further make a quick buck off the hopelessly hip.  Ladies and gents, or perhaps I should say birds and lads, I present to you:  Geordie Shore.

They're much like their Jersey Shore counterparts, in that they're all about partying (pah-tee-ing) and promiscuous sex.  The lads seem highly concerned with their personal appearance, spending many hours in the gym talking about birds, and many more in front of the mirror staring at all the work they had put in.  Tanning is also important, along with hair, and at times they seem to echo such mantras as 'Gym, Tan, Laundry.'  The birds also are big on the tans, many also like to wear fake eyelashes, and extensive makeup is definitely a must.  Geordie language is also as unique as Guido language, hinted with heavy accents, and undecipherable to anyone with a brain.

The cast?  Well lets me em:

There's of course Sophie, who's like Snooki (minus the strange food addictions and love of giant slippers) and Angelina (minus the Staten Island) all rolled into one giant ball of retardation, with enough stupid for two.  Her taste in men is very similar to Snooki's; she prefers 'a proper butch man' with 'big muscles, a nice golden tan,' just as long as they aren't 'as dark as her, because that would be competition.'  Despite her confidence, the room mates find her to be a 'minga,' the Geordie equivalent to a 'grenade.'  She just turned twenty one and is all set to go to the Geordie Shore to be a total 'slut' and 'cock magnet.'  So far she has been unsuccessful in that endeavor, but she has managed to get totally drunk off a 'few jager bombs,' get angry and call everyone a tramp, and spend the rest of her time on the show dirtying up the pristine bathrooms with dark brown puke and/or head first in a toilet as one of the room mates holds back her hair. She does however just want to be everyone's friend, and swears she's not usually a 'drunk.'  Plus she can talk the back legs off a donkey, whatever that means.

Then there's Gary, The Situation's UK dopple ganger, who's got The Situation act down pat.  He's got nothing to worry about and just wants to party (pah-tee) down Geordie Shore style.  He claims to know 'the situation' inside out, from getting the birds number to shagging her.  He's got his own six pack, which he too uses to lure unsuspecting drunk women into borderline rape, his favorite way to party (pah-tee).  But no, he doesn't call it 'creepin,' he calls it 'pullin.'  In fact he's so good at it he declares he 'should have a degree in pulling women.'  He too is a gym rat, and is primarily concerned with laying as much pipe as possible, with any bird he can.  He too also talks a good game, but unlike The Situation he can actually back it up. Still, I can't understand what he's saying half the time. . . but I think he said something about having a reputation for stealing other lads' birds.

James is not only the self proclaimed 'best looking lad in Newcastle, if not England,' but he is also definitely one of its most conceited.  He could also be said to be much like Pauly D, in that he's rather concerned with his hair.  He's so concerned with his hair that it was a big factor in choosing a room, in that he preferred one with many mirrors so that he may do his hair, and in fact admits that the hardest thing he's done in his life is 'me hair.'  He too works out (wherever and whenever) and like his 'lads' is primarily concerned with getting laid.

Holly is obviously a JWoww Geordie, and some how her fake tits make JWoww's boob job look tasteful.  Holly is so in love with her fake boobs that she's actually named them: Heidi and Audrina, 'and when ever that song comes on:  Heidi and Audrina eat your heart out,' she points at her tits and calls them 'her babies.'  She's eighteen and is about as bright as a broken light bulb.  Her claim to fame is the ability to hold various bottles of differing sizes between her breasts.  She then often drinks from them, or lets others.  She has a boyfriend who for some reason doesn't mind if she shows her massive fake titties to anyone and everyone.

Jay mirrors Ronnie, he's big and seems to never wear a shirt.  In fact upon discovering that he was the first lad in the house he immediately removed his shirt, you know, cause first impressions are important.  He's definitely not looking for a relationship and is just down to party (pah-tee) with some birds.  He really likes to take care of himself, and focuses on what he calls the 'more feminine side of life.'  He gets his eyebrows waxed, looking so well manicured they appear drawn on, and oh, he also waxes his ass.  Gotta look sharp for the birds, you understand.  He hangs out with his mom because she does his laundry for him, which is pretty sweet, that is unless he's got a bird over and she does it for him, after which he 'repays them in another way.'  His favorite activities include working out and posing topless in front of his BMW.  

Greg could be said to be Vinnie when Jersey Shore first started in that he doesn't seem to fit in, despite saying that he's well know around the scene.  He's even a 'ghost' because he doesn't sport that signature Gordie tan.  Despite his differences it turns out that he's really just as big of a douche bag as the others.  He enjoys calling himself "Snakers" because when he's at the club he's like a snake with the birds.  He's even got a hand motion to accompany every phone number he gets as a sort of celebration--his hands together, palm to palm, slithering through the air like a snake.  Sometimes when he's working with a friend and sees a girl he likes he gets 'his big man to pull a fat mate and he'll go for her.'  Whatever that may mean.

Vicky is our Geordie version of Sammi, in that she's still a member of a generally shitty group of people, but claims superiority because she's got a little more money.  Unlike Sammi however, she can't see to keep her eyes on just one lad, and seems to like every dude in the house, particularly Jay and Greg.  She likes flashing herself about and shows it with dresses sparkling almost as if bedazzled.  Being a real socialite, she is well known about the Geordie D-Bag Scene and apparently gets around with the lads, if yah know what I mean.

Charlotte is onto herself.  She doesn't really act like anyone from the Jersey Shore but is terribly concerned about looking like a sweaty minga.  She also admits to being 'shallow with boys' and has never kissed anyone without a six pack.  She has however, made out with dozens upon dozens of brainless Neanderthals.  Way to go Charlotte! Overall, she's a self-proclaimed '21st Century Girl,' which is nice in that we're surprised she actually knows what century we are in.

The people of Newcastle, England are quite upset about Geordie Shore, just as Italian Americans were offended by Jersey Shore when it unleashed its retardation upon the world.  Both have claimed the shows representing them is grossly inaccurate and that a selected group of few are making the majority look stupid.

And they're right.

But in regards to you Geordies I can only find Geordie Shore to be a spoof of Jersey Shore, which probably, hopefully, was a spoof to begin with.  This is to say that it cannot be taken seriously, and should not--it is retarded and is to be treated as such (point and laugh, if you are unaware of the proper procedure).  Besides, I don't know what you Geordies are so upset about, the rest of the world can't understand you anyway.

To quote the great Big Momma, "What the problem is?"

But if this show does take off, I suggest you all batten down the hatches, for they'll be around longer than anyone will assume possible.  And it is for these reason's that iR declares The Geordie Shore, hopelessly retarded.

Airs every Tuesday, on MTV UK or whatever. . . 

MTV's Geordie Shore

The Geordie Dictionary?

love,

iR