Kel Mitchell Found Jesus

We are gathered here today. . . Light in through the colored panes of church windows. . . Bow your heads. . . The smell of polished pews. . . Come self-proclaimed 90's kids, you boob tube aficionados, you couch cushion jockeys. . . your prophet has arrived.

Prepare the body of Christ. . . a bag of potato chips. . . Pour forth the blood of Christ. . . Coca-Cola. . . Its a shame loud T.V. . . [louder now] Its a shame loud T.V. destroyed. . . I said its a shame loud T.V destroyed your hearing so. . . I said. . . never mind:

Your prophet has arrived. . . 

Guess where Kel's other hand is?  Keenan's face reveals the answer.

What fasting.  What endurance in the name of the lord; none.  What emptiness along the crawling spaces.  The psychedelic soma water, the duodenum berries.  Throw down your orange sodas my friends, Kel Mitchell found Jesus but never fixed his teeth.  Destined, the dreary sidekick.  Even that dance show gave him the title of co host. . .

What stables of women.  What endurance in the name of the wang. What many girls, some of questionable age.  They fell and lay in his bed of success.  Like withdrawing from the bank account.  The word then was 'fine'.  He's FIOOOYNNE.

Piqued, made for decline.
Getting drunk on orange wine.

Who loves orange soda?  Kel loves orange soda.  Is it true?  He do he do he doo-oo.  Orange sugar water and orange Nickelodeon money. Wadded thick in the pockets, placed gingerly betwixt the g-strings of working girls. Oh he do, he do.

Who loves Kel?  Kel loves Kel.  Is it true?  He do he do he doo-oo.  The countless mirrors for looking upon himself, the mirrors for catching sex acts, the mirrors, the mirrors.  The portrait of himself hanging in the hall, overlooking his 'pussy palace.'  The initials KM engraved in the fine leather headrests of his finer automobiles.

But more importantly, more than orange soda and himself, Kel loves God. Is it true?

What fasting.  What endurance in the name of the Lord; none.  What emptiness along the crawling spaces.  The psychedelic soma water, the duodenum berries.  Throw down your orange sodas my friends, Kel Mitchell found Jesus but never fixed his teeth.

Kel of course got his start on the Nickelodeon show All-That, which was kinda like SNL for kids, in that it was once very good, only to slowly get shittier and shittier until reaching a point of being unwatchable; but at least All-That was finally taken out to pasture and put out of its misery.  It was where Kel met Kenan Thompson (who curiously currently works for SNL) and under the bright lights of the Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando Florida, a great bromance bloomed.  The relationship allowed them to develop chemistry and proved rather fruitful for their careers. They were like a Laurel and Hardy, and the beauty of it was their audience was so young and ignorant they could steal rather liberally from their material without their young fanbase even noticing. One of their more successful skits included a place called Good Burger, with Kel playing a retarded-Spicoli-surfer-fast food employee- named Ed (pictured above). He of course was a horrible employee who could never show up on time and further illustrated the common belief that all fast food workers are retarded (which is generally true.)  He also suffered from being capable of spouting only three or four annoying phrases, all of which somehow became trademarks.  On the basis of this flimsy sketch a movie was made called Good Burger, which unfortunately could only taint the wondrous talent of the Great Sinbad.

Now I know all you 90's kids. . . but I have to explain it. . . Not everyone knows the glory of. . . I said not everyone knows the glory of. . . I said. . . Oh damn your rotten ears!  Always interrupting me with their refusal . . . their refusal to work. . .But I must explain it. . . I said I must explain it for others who. . . oh never mind.

Ever wonder what happened to Ed?  Well apparently his last name is Jankins, and this happened to him:

He went bat shit insane on meth and now frequents the local playground, scaring the shit out of little kids.

In 1996, Kenan and Kel were given their own show, The Kenan and Kel Show, which was helped by an already established fan base from All That.  It provided more of the same, with Kenan repeating phrases including a proclamation of his love for orange soda (which was alluded to earlier) and 'Aww here its goes' and all kinds of other shit.  Kenan played the straight man, only he was a schemer who thought up schemes which propelled the show for five long years.  Before the show ended, Kel got a role in the movie Mystery Men.  He played Invisible Boy, who could only turn invisible if no one was looking at him.  Yes, it seems that even as a superhero Kel Mitchell is mediocre and equivocally lame.

The movie didn't really succeed, which was surprising in that Janeane Garofalo was in it. . .  (best joke so far)

With a failed movie under his belt, and the end of another show, Kel feared slipping off into nothingness of everyday 'civilian life,' and did his best to do what he could to keep from becoming a nobody.  He tried to get jobs, but no one wanted him, and it was then that Kel first saw the bars of that cage which had seemed so free earlier; that niche of being a home made Nickelodeon star.

Too old, sweet prince.

Despair set in.  He started eating peanut butter.  Lots and lots of peanut butter.

"Help me God."  The sweet prince cried.  "Help me."

I know what you think. . . and am making this up. . . Obviously you haven't seen any. . . I said obviously you haven't seen any of my stuff before. . . Of course its all true. . . every last word. . . I said every last word, even the part about the. . . about the peanut butter.

God would answer him?  He got a role in a television movie no one saw, called Two Heads Are Better Than None, and then he would get even more offers for work: an episode of Nash Bridges, voice work for The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Clifford the Big Red Dog.  Later he would go on to host The Pokemon 2000 Movie Special (lawlz).

Kel counted his blessings, and continued praying, but only with peanut butter in his mouth.  In 2005 he appeared Kanye West video, as a porter. Betcha didn't know that. . . but then again Kel Mitchell really is Invisible Boy.  Word is he tried talking to Kanye, who swatted at his ear as if to silence some tenacious gnat.

Still more blessings:

In 2007, Kel Mitchell had a minor role in the dramatic film Honeydripper.  

More:

Now, Kel is working on a movie he wrote and stars in, called Chicago Pulaski Jones.  He plays the son of Cedric The Entertainer, who dies, and Kel feels the need to avenge his death. . . with dance:

Urban river dance is ruffffff.

One can clearly see this movie will suck horribly, as if one could not tell from the rather unoriginal plot line to begin with.  I think its supposed to be dramatic, but with Kel's haircut, his acting, and Cedric the Entertainer directing the whole debacle, its awful hard to tell.

Awful hard to tell.  Like his newfound Christianity.  He's got the lingo for sure.  But is it true?  No one can say, only Kel can, and he thinks its true, but only if you pray with peanut butter in your mouth.

So yes brothers and sisters. . . we should be thankful. . . a man exists today. . . and integrity to stand up for whats. . .  I said what's right. . .  So drink forth the blood. . . share of his flesh. . . pray only with peanut butter and for the. . . GET YOUR HEARING AIDS FIXED!

Firstly I'd like to accuse myself of purple prose, 'betwixt' being the primary offender.  Secondly I'd like to apologize for uh, I guess acting like a preacher there, and like you couldn't hear, I just felt the need to talk needless shit about 90's kids.  Why?  Spite.  With that said, we are all guilty, every one of us.  I'm not here to say believing in God is retarded, I'm just saying that when you go around preaching God and the Bible, and then right after that judge a booty shaking contest you kinda look dumb and hypocritical. . . I'm just sayin'.

I commend the fact that you're still trying, but I mean come on, Chicago Pulaski Jones?  I suggest you can it before anyone sees anymore footage, before you're canned. . . for good.  Keep the faith alive, though it still doesn't change the fact you were legally declared retarded in the summer of '04.

Congrats, iR declares Kel Mitchell, legally retarded.

Way to burn out, writer of this 'blah-g.'

Kenan and Kel fans have been begging... I mean BEGGING, for a reunion of the two on SNL with revivals of their roles in the Good Burger movie. . . These people are morons.  I say this not because they desire such a thing, but because they believe such a thing could be possible.  Not only that but desirable. . .  They have aged, ladies and gentlemen, and I'm sure they would have no interest whatsoever in playing roles they had when they were teenagers.  

If you disagree feel free to comment... or call me an asshole.

love,

iR