Retarded Ways to Get A Chick (According to Movies)

There are all the normal socially accepted ways of courting a woman, and then there's Hollywood.  The Great Show.  Modern Man's Aesop Fables. Why in Hollywood, sometimes the means by which the lead male snags the girl are downright retarded, as shit movies is big business: and business is good.  With the following list, you too can be a tard and still get the chick:

RETARDED WAY TO GET A CHICK #1: KIDNAP HER DOG

Hey, if it can work for Spade it can work for anybody!

In Lost And Found, David Spade plays a restaurant owner who is desperate to get between the legs of his neighbor, a cellist with an exotic look and a spunky dog.  Yet he's Spade, he needs some help in that area, so he decides it would be best to kidnap her dog.  Yes, her dog. He devises a plan to steal the dog and then offer to help her find it out of the goodness of his little heart, with the hope that when he did, she'd blow him.  With the dog tucked safely away in his apartment, he proceeds to waste her time helping her look for the dog, and even goes so far as to put up phony LOST DOG posters with a big reward at the bottom.  So does he exceed?  Well not really, as the dog really escapes his captivity, and with the help of his neighbor's douchey ex-fiance, he gets outed as the Canine Kidnapper he really is.  So she tosses him to the curb right? Of course not, apparently she not only digs thieves, but also smug sarcastic little fuckers with horrible hair.  

RETARDED WAY TO GET A CHICK #2: LIE ABOUT YOUR OCCUPATION

Ah yes, nothing ruins your chances than letting that girl know how you really generate your income (or in some cases: don't.)  Which is exactly the situation Rob Schneider finds himself in in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.  You see, Rob is just some d-bag fish tank cleaner that nobody likes (well he is Rob Schneider after all.)  Yet due to the wonders of shit screen writing, somehow Rob becomes a male gigolo after destroying a fish tank owned by a he-bitch of the very same distinction. He begins going on dates, all of them horrible, and all for paltry amounts of cash (again, he's Rob Schneider,) but his world changes when he goes on a date with a certain chick and falls for her.  Now Rob has two options, A) Tell the Truth, B) Lie.  Naturally he goes with B and not only does he not tell her that her friends set him up with her for money, but also neglects the fact that in reality he's just a douchey fish tank cleaner with a tiny shit apartment in a shitty neighborhood.

With this precious information with held, the two continue to date, and everything is fine and peachy keen. She even meets his father.  Then, the ax eventually falls (as it must) and she finds out the truth, from the very same bitchy friends who set the whole thing up in the first place.  How does he win her back?  Well by going to her job (she gives dudes hair transplants) and gets so many drugs pumped in him that his face goes numb and he proceeds to drool everywhere.  Awww how cute.  Despite the drool, despite being Rob Schneider and totally out of his league, she still gets back with him, and they lived happily ever after.  What a crock.

RETARDED WAY TO GET A CHICK #3: PRETEND TO BE A CHICK

Nothing really helps you get through the walls women put up than pretending to be one yourself.  Such is the case in epic-shit-fail Juwanna Mann, in which a hot shot NBA star named Jamal Jefferies acts so egregious he's banned from the league.  The next logical step?  Why putting on make up, a wig, fake boobies and joining the WNBA of course! Joining up with a WNBA team under the pseudonym Juwanna Mann (You wanna man?,) the douche becomes a true member of the team, shedding his ego and learning to pass the ball.  Of course along the way there are many showers with the ladies as well as more than a few personal discussions about men and sex.

Juwanna eventually falls for one of his/her teammates and develops a friendship with her, of course on the false grounds that he has lady parts. The two become friends, and meanwhile their team the Charlotte Banshees have made the playoffs. Things look good, but soon friendship turns to hatred, after an emphatic dunk during a playoff game causes Juwanna to lose his wig and is outed for the cheating cross dresser he really is.  He's kicked to the curb until he gives the team an 'inspirational,' speech and apologizes and all that malarky.  Furthermore, not only does the WNBA ignore the fact that all games Juwanna competed in should be null-and-void because Juwanna is in fact a man, but the team actually wins the championship, and Juwanna not only gets the girl, he gets a a championship ring too. Way to go.

RETARDED WAY TO GET A CHICK #4:  PRETEND TO BE GAY

Nothing excites a heterosexual female more than a big flamer.  Such is the situation in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.  Adam Sandler plays a fireman who in an effort to help a fellow fireman and friend get his children named primary beneficiaries of his life insurance policy, fakes a gay marriage with his homeboy under the scrupulous eyes of the state. Many cannot believe that the two firemen could be gay, so a caseworker is assigned to their case to ensure the sanctity of their marriage.  For their defense they are given a lawyer--a hot lady lawyer.  Here comes the trouble. . . Sandler begins spending more and more time with her, and they eventually become friends.  Together they make bracelets that say things like FRIENDS 4EVER and GURLZ RULE, talk about men and sex, and Adam even gets a good grope of her boobs when she insists that they are real and that he feel them.  All of this, remember, under the guise of a gay man.  Of course the truth comes out in a big lengthy court battle and naturally she's upset: for a whole five minutes anyway, as she just suddenly forgives Sandler for basically lying to her and pretending to be gay.  All of this despite the fact that her brother in the movie is a big gay rights activist, and she dearly dearly loves her brother.  Smooth.

RETARDED WAY TO GET A CHICK #5:  GET HER FIRED, DESTROY HER MOTHER'S APARTMENT, AND ASSUME THAT HER MOTHER IS A PIMP

Because sometimes, doing one thing just isn't enough.  You see in Dirty Work Norm McDonald creates a 'Revenge for Hire' business, under the belief that not taking crap from anyone is a virtue to be cultivated and maintained with the rough hands of revenge.  Before starting his business, Norm meets a lovely blonde at a bar and chats her up.  The trap is sprung.  Later, at his place of business he spots her across the street and accosts her.  She ends up telling him how much she hates her boss, a real d-bag who sells cars for a living.  So what does Norm do to impress her?  Well, it just so happens her boss is filming a live television commercial, and Norm finds it to be the perfect opportunity to promote his business for free, and help out his potential lady in the same instance. He plants hookers in all the trunks, and as the commercial rolls he charges the stage and trunks start opening all around him.  DEAD HOOKERS everywhere!  After a plug for his business he's off on his merry ways, content that he'll finally get the girl.

What happens?

Well she gets fired.  Way to go.  Somehow, she isn't totally pissed off at him, and they meet at her mother's house.  "She works at home," the woman explained, just as her mother came out to let in some women. For some reason, Norm assumes this means she's a pimp, providing the city with fine tail. Next, Norm is told by some d-bag rich dude with a fondness for fingering his tiny dog's asshole, that he has an apartment block he wants to be roughed up and defaced, so that he may have an excuse to demolish it and put up a fresh new apartment.  Guess what? Turns out to be Mom's apartment building. . . But Norm needs the money to help his father get a heart transplant. . .  So Norm heads into the building with his buddy, made empty after a prior notice stated that the building was being sprayed for bugs.  They fucking destroy the place: they toss cherry bombs in toilets and tag all the walls with curse words and threats, even taking the time to chop down doors and put holes in walls with a sledge hammer.  Yet after destroying the building, they find that the man who hired them to commit the deed is really a scumbag, with no intentions of ever paying them.

Well fuck.

Of course they expose the guy, and it all ends nice and pretty with a bow on top.  Yes, Norm gets the girl, despite being Norm McDonald, and the man responsible for his lady losing her job, and her mother having no home.  This chick must be ugly right?  NARP:

RETARDED WAY TO GET A CHICK #6:  PRETEND TO ACTUALLY BE RETARDED

In The Ringer, Johnny Knoxville plays a loser who's Uncle owes a lot of money to a lot of dangerous people. . . So the two decided to bet on the Special Olympics, and plant Knoxville in as a 'ringer;' a man of lacking intelligence pretending to be a tard.  While competing, he falls for one of the volunteers working there, a blonde chick with an asshole boyfriend who constantly cheats on her.  During the movie, we find out that she actually works for the Special Olympics because her younger brother was mentally ill as well.  OUCH, feel like a dick yet Johnny?

The funniest part is perhaps that Johnny is no 'ringer,' at all, and often struggles to beat his competitors in many of the events.  He does however, end up winning a Bronze Medal, and upon his acceptance speech announces that he isn't really a tard at all--just a moron. Naturally this upsets the girl he's had his eyes on, and she runs off crying.  She's totally pissed off at him for about 2 minutes, which in real time is like an hour. After all the swindling she takes him back, at the drop of a hat, despite him not only being a horrible human being, but also a cheat. . . And yes, Johnny totally went full retard:

I understand comedies are suppose to have happy endings, especially in a traditional sense, but would I really care if Johnny Knoxville or Norm McDonald got the chick at the end?  Not really.  In fact if anything, it only adds to the absurdity of the whole situation, as 99.9 percent of the time the chick is way out of their league.

Why not just give em an equally average looking chick?

Oh yeah, sex appeal. . . Something to outweigh the ugly.

Oh yeah, something to make the average schmoe think he's even got a chance.

Yeah yeah.

Nothing pisses me off more than a shit comedy throwing in a pointless love interest for the sake of throwing in a pointless love interest.  They simply shouldn't have to resort to such instances, as its purely formulaic and retarded.  Jokes be jokes.  Laughter is laughter.  A nice story is just EXTRA.

And its for these reasons that iR declares comedic love stories repetitively retarded.

love,

iR