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*Sometimes life runs parallels. So don't get confused, its three tiers twisted together like a fuckin' Twizzler.
After the 'incident at McDonald's' involving one Ashton Kutcher throwing a temper tantrum after finding out that the soda machines were out of his favorite sugar drink, fruit punch, Demi Moore took to fashioning Ashton with his very own kiddie leash. It was the very same one she used now, pulling Ashton from the Caribbean surf one tug and grunt at a time, so that they may go and have themselves a nice nap.
(Life is problematic enough without having to watch your kids, for there's nothing worse than offspring with the feet of a road runner and the curiosity of a cat. . . If only they were tethered to me and couldn't get away. . . Why the little bastard has it coming - being so full of life and all - don't he know he took it from me? Just sucked it up like so much water till there wasn't a drop left and all that remained was a drought of wrinkled features and dried skin? It seems my only natural reaction, to reach up a snuff him like a filthy little pigeon. . . to cage him till his wings serve no purpose other than to prove that he was once free. . . ) Gloria thought wicked thoughts of her child as he tried his best to escape from his kiddie leash. He kicked just like a dog caught on the scent of another beasts odor, for he wanted desperately to be free, free from his captor, who to him, was no longer Mom but rather Attila the Hun. . . Elsewhere thought a pitchman:
"Shit, I'm fucked."
He stood in front of an entire crew of similar leather faced business men, pitching a new break-through in the Kiddie leash industry. It was a product that he thought of all on his own.
"Alright guys, I'm real excited about this one. " Douche LeDouche said. He sweated profusely, feeling as if those 10 pairs of eyes watching him were really just 10 different fires, warming up to burn him alive. "Its a new prototype, a little something I've been toying around with here in the office. . . Its, uh, kind of revolutionary in a way, but also somewhat retro. Its a sort of throw back kind of thing." He covered his mouth and laughed nervously, the joyous sounds spewing in between his fingers and into the brains of all the bitter men around him. It may has well been Jello; it was childish.
"Get on with it, Mr. LeDouche!" An angry bigwig said.
In the Caribbean Demi wiped Ashton down, taking particular interest in the corners of his mouth. She adjusted his skewed swim trunks and squeezed his cheeks. Gloria smoked another cigarette and loathed she hadn't started earlier - before the damn tike was around - when all this smoking would do her some good. Douche LeDouche sweat from the forehead and around the ears.
(Life is problematic enough without having to watch your kids, for there's nothing worse than offspring with the feet of a road runner and the curiosity of a cat. . . If only they were tethered to me and couldn't get away. . . Why the little bastard has it coming - being so full of life and all - don't he know he took it from me? Just sucked it up like so much water till there wasn't a drop left and all that remained was a drought of wrinkled features and dried skin? It seems my only natural reaction, to reach up a snuff him like a filthy little pigeon. . . to cage him till his wings serve no purpose other than to prove that he was once free. . . ) Gloria thought wicked thoughts of her child as he tried his best to escape from his kiddie leash. He kicked just like a dog caught on the scent of another beasts odor, for he wanted desperately to be free, free from his captor, who to him, was no longer Mom but rather Attila the Hun. . . Elsewhere thought a pitchman:
"Shit, I'm fucked."
He stood in front of an entire crew of similar leather faced business men, pitching a new break-through in the Kiddie leash industry. It was a product that he thought of all on his own.
"Alright guys, I'm real excited about this one. " Douche LeDouche said. He sweated profusely, feeling as if those 10 pairs of eyes watching him were really just 10 different fires, warming up to burn him alive. "Its a new prototype, a little something I've been toying around with here in the office. . . Its, uh, kind of revolutionary in a way, but also somewhat retro. Its a sort of throw back kind of thing." He covered his mouth and laughed nervously, the joyous sounds spewing in between his fingers and into the brains of all the bitter men around him. It may has well been Jello; it was childish.
"Get on with it, Mr. LeDouche!" An angry bigwig said.
In the Caribbean Demi wiped Ashton down, taking particular interest in the corners of his mouth. She adjusted his skewed swim trunks and squeezed his cheeks. Gloria smoked another cigarette and loathed she hadn't started earlier - before the damn tike was around - when all this smoking would do her some good. Douche LeDouche sweat from the forehead and around the ears.
"Well, I was thinking of Michael Vick the other day." He swallowed, pure limestone. "And I got to thinking about dog fights, a natural sort of progression when considering Mr. Vick's history, you see. I thought of them dogs. . . Those viscous things, praised for their blood-lust, and much like most dogs, forgiven for behaviors deemed inappropriate; a priveledge that is also given to children. . . And so, gentlemen. . ." He smiled again, half in fear and half in total pig headed confidence. "May I introduce to you - " . . . He pulled a blank sheet of canvas paper from its giant pad . . . " - The Muzzle!" . . . Revealing a diagram that looked like this:
Yes that's right. . . THE MUZZLE! Child too wacky and hopped up sugar to watch all the damn time? Too busy trying to pick up boyfriends? Is your son also a biter? Well with HASBRO's new product, The MUZZLE, you'll be able to pick up Johny Hot-Pants without having to watch your child - or having to worry about him releasing the pent up aggression that is often associated with being ignored, in the form of a savage bite that takes someone's ear off! If it's good enough for Dr. Hannibal Lecter, surely it's good enough for your child!Gloria spat, indifferent. Demi tended to Ashton, preparing him for bed. Mr LeDouche took to sweating some more. Gloria's child started wearing himself out. He ran in place, tethered to the immovable object that was his mother. LeDouche stood in front of an audience of silent onlookers. His neck seemed to be swelling, or rather his collar seemed to be shrinking (Maybe all that damn sweat - I never was one for public speaking. . . I always got nervous, I always would sweat, I always turned red. I'm probably red now.) Right about now he was looking like a bright apple.
"Alright. . . Park it." Gloria said, looping the handle of the kiddie leash around a concrete pole painted a dull yellow. "Momma needs some whiskey to get her through the day. . ." The door to the convenient mart opened with the ring of a bell, and shut with a soft hiss. LeDouche still stood in front of his clients, already preparing to be fired. Gloria's child kicked nervously outside the market, even snarled at a stranger, growling a guttural mutt language that in its native tongue, means "fuck off. . ." Demi Moore peeled back the sheets of the bed preparing it for Ashton.
"I fuckin' love it!" Shouted on of LeDouche's potential career killers.
"A pint of whiskey." Asked Gloria.
"Come now, beddy-by time Ashtie!" Advised Demi.
"Really?" LeDouche nearly choked on the words the relief was so great.
"Abso-fucking-lutely." The man said. "Greatest idea since the introduction of the backpack buddy. Genius boy-o, genius. How they gonna say the kiddie leash is restrictive and treats kids like animals now? We're saving lives boy-o, saving lives. . ."
"Alright. . . Park it." Gloria said, looping the handle of the kiddie leash around a concrete pole painted a dull yellow. "Momma needs some whiskey to get her through the day. . ." The door to the convenient mart opened with the ring of a bell, and shut with a soft hiss. LeDouche still stood in front of his clients, already preparing to be fired. Gloria's child kicked nervously outside the market, even snarled at a stranger, growling a guttural mutt language that in its native tongue, means "fuck off. . ." Demi Moore peeled back the sheets of the bed preparing it for Ashton.
"I fuckin' love it!" Shouted on of LeDouche's potential career killers.
"A pint of whiskey." Asked Gloria.
"Come now, beddy-by time Ashtie!" Advised Demi.
"Really?" LeDouche nearly choked on the words the relief was so great.
"Abso-fucking-lutely." The man said. "Greatest idea since the introduction of the backpack buddy. Genius boy-o, genius. How they gonna say the kiddie leash is restrictive and treats kids like animals now? We're saving lives boy-o, saving lives. . ."
The backpack buddy, in case you were wondering as to its look. . . Yeah a friendly beast with its arms and legs wrapped around you, its "junk" poking you in the back. . . Many heroin users say the addiction is much like a backpack buddy; you've always got something on your back and although you're happy, everyone around you is pointing and laughing their asses off.
Gloria left the store with the same ring and hiss, opening her bottle for a quick swig. She took the leash from its pole and began to walk the boy. He took straight off, tugging away at the leash, his mother behind tending to the rope and her newly acquired pint. LeDouche and his men packed up their things and made their way through the office, ready to go home and fuck their wives - today was a good day. (Ok, lets go, a head nod was all he needed.) Demi Moore tucked Ashton into bed, kissing his cheek before slipping under the covers herself.
"Aww you little fucker, you'll take my arm off." Gloria said.
"You think it'll sell?" LeDouche asked.
"Nightie night." Demi said, eyes already closed.
Gloria's child wormed his way around the corner of a building, his body at a 45 degree with the ground. Gloria didn't notice, she was too busy drinking, but her son noticed them right away, and took off like a rocket down the sidewalk. He shot off so fast the leash slipped through Gloria's fingers, and followed behind the boy like a long tail. LeDouche and his cronies had exited the office, there was a certain calm in the air - a certain joy that no doubt emanated from this new idea. Success was at their fingertips, and yet there seemed to be a strangeness in the air. . . The kid drew closer, one sidewalk square at a time. LeDouche felt uneasy. Closer. Demi dreamed of bunny rabbits and lilac. Closer still. Ashton dreamed of basketballs. Closer. . . He pounced.
Douche LeDouche turned his head just in time. Demi rolled over in bed. Gloria screamed. Douche LeDouche screamed. Gloria's son didn't scream, he growled and dined on LeDouche's ear - ripped it clean off his head.
"Yeah. . . I think it'll sell. . ." The blood poured from his ear as the boy was pried from his head.
In the Caribbean Ashton woke suddenly from his bed.
"Just a nightmare, thats all." Demi said.
And put him back to sleep.
iR
"Aww you little fucker, you'll take my arm off." Gloria said.
"You think it'll sell?" LeDouche asked.
"Nightie night." Demi said, eyes already closed.
Gloria's child wormed his way around the corner of a building, his body at a 45 degree with the ground. Gloria didn't notice, she was too busy drinking, but her son noticed them right away, and took off like a rocket down the sidewalk. He shot off so fast the leash slipped through Gloria's fingers, and followed behind the boy like a long tail. LeDouche and his cronies had exited the office, there was a certain calm in the air - a certain joy that no doubt emanated from this new idea. Success was at their fingertips, and yet there seemed to be a strangeness in the air. . . The kid drew closer, one sidewalk square at a time. LeDouche felt uneasy. Closer. Demi dreamed of bunny rabbits and lilac. Closer still. Ashton dreamed of basketballs. Closer. . . He pounced.
Douche LeDouche turned his head just in time. Demi rolled over in bed. Gloria screamed. Douche LeDouche screamed. Gloria's son didn't scream, he growled and dined on LeDouche's ear - ripped it clean off his head.
"Yeah. . . I think it'll sell. . ." The blood poured from his ear as the boy was pried from his head.
In the Caribbean Ashton woke suddenly from his bed.
"Just a nightmare, thats all." Demi said.
And put him back to sleep.
iR
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