Shit Central; Or The Story of Jeff Dunham on Comedy Central

Jeff Dunham has been a ventriloquist for as long as he can remember.

If you have the distinct pleasure of being shown pictures from his childhood, you will find that he's seen clutching a ventriloquist dummy in nearly every photo. Even more apparent is the look on his parent's faces, a sort of utter embarrassment and sadness that both of them shared equally, one which seemed to intensify and grow even more morose as the years went on. They, like any respectable parent hoped for so much more for him, for many years they wished that he would move on from his obsession, one which they labeled as only a "phase," and hoped that he would one day grow out of it and move on. But much to their chagrin, he continued his ventriloquism all throughout his schools days, and later in his adult life. One day in the first grade, he was sent home for trying to turn one of his friends into a dummy for an act he wanted to do for the other kids. The teachers found the two of them in the bathroom, Jeff's friend bent over with his pants around his ankles, Jeff behind him, wrist deep in the poor boy's anus.

After the incident his parents sought medical help, but they found nothing wrong with him, except for his retardation, which his parents suspected all along. He was declared legally retarded in the Summer of '69, making him the youngest declared legal retard. He was only seven. This made it very hard for Jeff to make any friends, he often spent most of his time alone, locked up in his room (for his safety,) playing with his dolls and practicing his act. Unlike most boys, who give up ventriloquism after a harsh beating or two, Jeff kept with the "craft" and kept to his room. Many years passed, each season leaving as soon as it came, and before long Jeff was 28, still living with his parents, who were still horribly upset about the whole thing. It was then however, that he was finally given his big break on the Johnny Carson Show.

His 20 years of experience showed, as the 28 year old shined in front of the lat night audience. For Jeff it was the start of a great deal of wonderful things he was sure were bound to come his way. Similarly for his parents, it was the beginning of a great deal of horrible things that would slowly chip away at them, until nothing remained inside of their old dying bodies, save for a wanting of death and an end to the daily embarrassment that resulted from their son being just that, their son. (Don't think that they didn't make sure he was indeed their child - after the "Bathroom Incident" in first grade, his parents posed that perhaps he was switched at birth, but the hospital took all the wind out of their sails with extensive birth records and the like.) After Carson, he was obsessed with ventriloquism. For years he had been degraded by his father, by the town, by supposed peers, who all told him ventriloquism was a waste of time, and an act carried out only by queers and pedophiles - but now the window had opened, now all the negativity had evaporated, the show had proved them wrong. Ventriloquism was his calling.

Ventriloquism was in his blood.

So with a new-found purpose in life he took to the garage, and started making his own dummies. He would spend months on them, working and reworking them, talking through them, all for so long he began to believe they really were alive. (Which is understandable, as they were his only friends at the time.) In between dummies he was slowly making a name for himself with several television appearances: Ellen in '96, Hollywood Squares, Entertainment Tonight, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, and Good Morning America.


It was in 2003 that Comedy Central approached Jeff Dunham, their interview went like this:

"Well Jeff, before we start I'd just like to say we've both seen your work, great stuff, great stuff." One exec said. "Now first of all I wanna tell you something that I wanna keep hush hush, so when I tell you this, you can't breathe a word of it to anyone, not even your wife - you married Mr. Dunham?" He asked.

"Uh, no." Jeff said.

"Of course, what was I thinking your a ventriloquist." He laughed. "Yes well, anyway, we're switching platforms here at Comedy Central. . . Yes it seems we just don't know comedy any more, we aren't the one channel everyone goes to for humor. . . No these days it seems like all we know is shit, we're the shit station of the entire country. . . That's right we will no longer be called Comedy Central, but rather Shit Central." He smiled. "But we don't want to change right away, we want it to be a gradual change, and we think you're shitty enough to be the front runner in our switch. But as I said we want this to be a gradual change, so first we're just gonna give you a 30 minute Comedy Central special, you know, introduce you to the public. . . Then once you've floated around enough, we'll amp it up, whole hour specials, comedy tours, albums, movies the whole kit-and-kaboodle, all leading up to a Jeff Dunham show, you know years from now, in maybe 2008, 2009. . . All just in time for our big switch in 2010, from Comedy Central to Shit Central."

"And all you have to do, Jeff, is sign right here." The other exec said.

So Jeff did, and what followed were the horrible tragic events of television history, including the whole Blue Collar Comedy bit and Carlos Mencia.

The era of shit was upon us, and just as Comedy Central had planned it, The Jeff Dunham show aired on October 22, 2009, just in time for Halloween. The show was a staggering hit, as retards across the country tuned in for Comedy Central's newest turd, fresh and still steaming. Its pilot episode was Comedy Central's biggest shit: 5.3 million viewers tuned in to watch the premiere episode, making it the most watched premiere in Comedy Central's history. . .

After its premiere, execs at Comedy Central could be seen riding around town in the back of limos, drinking champagne and toasting to their new era of shit.

FURTHER RETARDATION:

Jeff Dunham has sold over 4 million dvds.

Made 30 million from June 08 to June 08, making him one of the highest paid comics of that year.

A Very Special Christmas Special was the most watched telecast in Comedy Central history.

He is the top grossing stand up act in North America.

Has his own Christmas Album Don't Come Home for Christmas

Set to do a fourth stand-up special in 2010, a tour said to span 60 cities, and a product line, all of his own.

Dunham dummies are usually charackatures of his own life: For instance his dummie Walter, a lonely old crotchety man who hates the whole world is based off of what Jeff will become if he doesn't give up his silly facsination with ventriloquism.

Dunham is currently in the middle of divorcing his wife, with whom he has three girlies.

It is for these reasons, iR names Jeff Dunham, legally retarded.

iR.

For more retardation watch The Jeff Dunham Show on Shit Central.

or visit

Jeff Dunham Official Website
Shit Central