Lady Gaga, Robot.

Lady Gaga was created by Harris Fitzpatrick in 2005 in the middle of a dry-spell Interscope Records doesn't really like to talk about. She was a robot created to help boost the record sales that have slowly sputtered out for the company, and have never really recovered since the advent of the internet. Her CPU is loaded up with videos and information of/on David Bowie, Paris Hilton, Elton John, and Andy Warhol in a combination so deadly it produces bouts of retardation that only Lady Gaga can achieve - she is the "6 Million Dollar Man" of Pop-Retardation. She is better, faster, stronger. And she is a man: the truth is Lady Gaga really does have a penis. Its a robotic attachment Fitzpatrick created himself. Gaga can retract it at will, and only recently has it been discovered, after a malfunction in recent months caused it to retract itself during a performance and was spied by a loyal fan with a camera phone. In an effort to hide Gaga's real identity, Interscope has gone through great lengths to protect their investment. Her past has all been made up, all photos of her have been doctored or were taken from family albums thrown away due their ugly subject matter.

The Mister Gepetto of Gaga Retardation, Harris Fitzpatrick.

Aside from the recent hermie rumors, The Gaga Robot has been quite successful for Fitzpatrick and Interscope respectively. She has written songs for The Pussycat Dolls and Akon, and her album The Fame sold 2.3 million copies, further proving the retardation epidemic that is slowly rotting away the entire human species. Her "brain" is hardwired so proficiently that she works like a wooden puppet, responding to the whims of those who own her, and she has been programmed to think only of becoming a pop icon. Image is everything for Gaga, and she's so well trained she believes "no news is bad news." Even the worst reviews, the biggest slams and insults, she turns on their heads, and takes revelry in just having word get out - at the name Lady Gaga just coming from people's lips. Yet there is one ultimate problem with Lady Gaga, artificial intelligence - she has none. It is what results in her strange fashion sense of cardboard boxes, dead kermit the frog dolls, plastic bubbles, and what causes her to cite Peggy Bundy from Married. . . With Children, Dot from Spaceballs, and Donatella Versace as her "fashion icons" and "inspiration." To go with her strange fashion she has all the self-righteousness, and ignorance to keep her from danger. She has been programmed with a guard she keeps up at all times to protect herself, and a blindness that allows her to not see the retardation right in front of her. It often results in comments like this:

"When I make love, they say Gaga."

"This is just how I am . . . You'll never see me in flip-flops and a t-shirt." In regards to her style.

"Its the future of pop music." When discussing her douchey techno sound.

"Look at me: I might as well be a gay man." After Christina Aguilera questioned her sex.

"Nobody can copy me, I can't be copied."

She's like that 16 year old girl who's all slut and no brains, one who gets told the truth about her stupidity daily, but just shrugs it off and says stupid things like "She's just jealous." Gaga is so set on her goals that nothing can phase her, even the straight up truth. Put simply, she's an attention whore, who just screams look at me, look at me, and when a person doesn't like her, it isn't Gaga's fault, its the other person's, they "don't understand." It is this blind retardation that has gotten her where she is today, as the New York scene kept telling her off and she wouldn't listen, and now after many years of suffering on the bottom with the "dirt" and the "grime"(something which Gaga loves to mention in every interview,) Gaga is everywhere, Gaga is on top.

You should see how I play guitar. . .

She appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show wearing what looked like a giant gyroscope around her head so large it hit Ellen the dancing dyke right in the face when they went for an awkward man on man hug. "Its an orbit," she explained. "Its my Gaga Barrier." She played her hit song Poker Face and showcased her strange and entirely retarded way of playing the piano - she walked up to the ivory keys and then stood on the piano bench, bending over with ass in the air, dick hanging between her legs, her caged face up against the microphone. Over night the show had made her an icon for the gay community, and a permanent fixture in the "pop scene."

Yet it wouldn't all be smooth sailing for Gaga and her creators.

In the summer of 2008, the company suffered their first major hitch. She was playing at Madison Square Garden, to a packed house, when bubbles showered down during one of her performances - all part of the show - the soapy liquid engulfing her whole. Unfortunately it seeped through her latex skin, and worked its way through her mechanical body, slowly shutting down her systems. Yet still she was putting on a great show, throngs of retards were going crazy. She just may make it. . .

And then it happened, right in the middle of Poker Face. . .

Her eye exploded, shooting springs out of her eye socket, her neck tried to turn but the gear was stuck, her head jerked to one side as smoke poured out of her, Lady Gaga was breaking down. People in the crowd were terrified, young teens started bawling - their Lady Gaga was no more. Her gay community collectively swooned and fell to the ground flicking their wrists -their Lady Gaga was no more. The executives at Interscope simply stood and stared at their multi-million dollar state-of-the-line robot corroding right in front of them - their Lady Gaga was no more. . . It was frightening to the executives, never before has she ever broken down, at least not on stage. There were occasions when she'd power down and get forgotten outside in the rain, or the time she was out on a yacht with some execs, and she was performing random acts of retardation in a cardboard dress and fell over the rail and just sank to the bottom of the Pacific. That was Lady Gaga's No. 1 through 4. But this new model was more advanced - more retarded, and now all that work was wasted, and even worse the whole world now knew their secret.

Lady Gaga, deleted scene from I, Robot.

The execs were frantic, screaming into cell phones as the audience evacuated in complete hysteria - retards who had just witnessed their God, their John Lennon turn to smoke and flame and burned wax flesh, nothing more than an ugly robot with plastic eyelashes and glue and wire and a whirling computer processor. The curtain went down just as she burst into orange-blue flames, which filled the arena with plumes of thick white smoke.

"Ga-ga-Gaga. . . ooo-oooo-ooouuuttt." She said in a mechanical voice - the heat had destroyed her pitch modulators. She crumpled to the floor in a heap, all metal and frayed wires - Lady Gaga No. 5 had finally ceased computer functions. A somber day indeed.

When Fitzpatrick arrived, he wept like a parent who had just lost their child, but he caressed her like he had just lost a lover. It was sick and depressing, a scene as bizarre and retarded as Lady Gaga's entire career.

"When can rebuild her." He said. "We can! I've made mistakes before, but now we can make her perfect, we can make her invincible. If only I could . . ."

"Forget it." An exec cut him off. "Its over, we'll have to make a new, more retarded model. . ." He spied the Gaga model, an action figure melted in a microwave. "I'm thinkin' maybe a platinum blond with big ole' titties and an ass like Beyonce. . . Not like this one, her ambiguous sex did much for the gay community, but it didn't help in rounding up enough young kids, young kids. . . " He paused for a moment. "Yeah and maybe we should update her with a new slut program so she can please the boys in between shows. . . And I don't mean with that dick you've fashioned her with, Fitzpatrick."

"You can't, you can't." Fitzpatrick pleaded.

"We just did. . . Now all we need to do is get the press in our corner, fudge a few facts, call it all publicity stunt. . . We'll be fine, just fine. God knows all the pop fans will soak up whatever we tell them, believe whatever we want them to believe - the American Dream my friends, the American Dream." He lit a cigar and walked off proud of himself.

Interscope Records left him there, Fitzpatrick and his lone robot in a now empty and lifeless Madison Square Garden. Lady Gaga No 6. was created months later, and began touring once again, her fans so retarded they didn't seem to notice any difference, nor did they question her strange disappearance. Things were good and the Interscope Records people were as happy as they could be, but little did they know that Fitzpatrick had ideas of his own. . . He created another Lady Gaga, LG No. 7 secretly, and fixed her up with rocket launcher arms and .30 caliber machine guns where her tits should be. . . He sold it to the government, which is now working on creating the next weapon of the future - Lady Gaga. They are building an army as we speak, and are somewhere upwards of 20,000 units at the moment, all bleach blond, with blank eyes and painted lightening bolts on their faces. Little did John Connor know that the Judgment Day wouldn't come with Liquid T-1 Thousands and all sorts of strange robotic killing machines, it would come when half a million Lady Gaga's would stomp the Earth, with a gun in one hand, and a microphone in the other. And that when the world came to an end, all that would be left was Lady Gaga, left to stare at all the destruction man had brought to his planet and fellow creatures, left to watch life start up again millions of years down the line, there forever, a never dying reminder of retardation.

sha-sha-shaaaaa.

Lady Gaga - Robot - completely retarded.

iR