The Infinite Retardation of Adam Sandler

If you're a 90's kid, at one point you probably liked Adam Sandler.  I know I remember seeing Billy Madison in theaters at some rich kids birthday part and loving it.  The highlight of the movie--at that time--was the dog shit scene, in which Adam Sandler and his pals hunt out a 'good piece of shit,' put it in a paper bag, and set it on fire on this dude's porch.  Soon an old man in his tighty whities and a wife beater comes out and stomps the shit (pun intended) out of it with his boot, only to later realize its full of dog shit.  "Its one of them flaming bags of poop again!"  To which Adam Sandler says, "He called the shit poop!"

For months afterward, it was my newest phrase.  To a second grader, that shit (pun intended) is hilarious, though not quite up there with the explosive diarrhea scene in Dumb and Dumber.  Yes I remember many lunch periods soaked up with laughter just thinking about Harry splattering his guts all over the porcelan, and it was just as funny at the start of lunch, when we ate our sandwiches and drank our sugar drink as it was when we were skinning knees, knuckles and dirtying our clothes later during recess. Oh man and remember like towards the end of this torrent of shits comes a squeaker?  A fucking squeaker man! Hilarious! Anyway. . .

Yet, I grew up and so did Adam Sandler.  Now I only laugh at shit play when its meant to be erotic (see two girls one cup).  Unfortunately Adam never seemed to shed his retarded humor, and when he became too old to play a foul mouthed buffoon that only kids and stoners laugh at, he became an aging foul mouthed love interest that nobody laughs at.  How did such a thing happen?  Why didn't he just flounder and die, or go somewhere and count his money?

Well work ethic for one.  I have to give it to Sandler, his hard work puts out a shit movie every year, and he's been doing it for nearly two decades. Not even the Police Academy movies had that kind of stamina.  Bravo.

That, and connections my dear friends. . . Had Sandler not spent his time in college farting on stage, he probably would have created Facebook; he knows that many people.  From as high up as Judd Apatow to as low down and useless as Rob Schneider.  His tight knit group of lackeys and writers seems to have spawned from Saturday Night Live, where retardation collected in great pools all about Lorne Michaels, and still collects today.

Adam joined the show in 1990, where he met David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, and Kevin Nealon; a group of fellas who would come to him anytime they needed money (not so much Chris Rock), and they always needed money.  More importantly than these role fillers, it was where Sandler first met writer Tim Herlihy.  Tim Herlihy is a film producer, screen writer, actor, and one time sketch writer for SNL.  The reason Tim Herlihy has all these other titles other than simply 'sketch writer for SNL' is because of Adam Sandler.  Every movie he has ever written, produced, or acted in, has been an Adam Sandler movie, from Billy Madison to Just Go With It.  As with many comedians, SNL was Adam Sandler's launching point into 'stardom,' but now many decades later we find that though this may or may not be true, the trajectory of this potential launch into stardom nonetheless ends in a big ole' pile of stinking shit.

His earlier films only hinted at Adam Sandler's money making and entirely retarded formula of retarded-buffoon-embarks-on-whacky-excursion-under-rather-flimsy-pretenses-and-whilst-doing-so-manages-to-bag-the-hot-chick-who's-entirely-way-out-of-his-league, while his later flicks have mastered it and have made it painfully obvious to the point of being unwatchable.

Take for instance Billy Madison.  Adam plays a lazy, sun burned, lush (respek), living off of the wealth his father made from the family hotel business.  But alas!  Trouble strikes when his father says he's giving the company to the extra weaselly member of the staff named Eric, because despite being a total asshole, he's actually qualified for the job, unlike Billy.  Well, Billy aint down with that, and after his Father shows him to be the idiot he truly is (fool can't even spell ROCK) and how he paid for him to get through school, Billy claims he'll go through school all over again.  Yes, he'll undergo 2 weeks in every grade, take all the tests, learn all the material (impossible in 2 weeks) and when he graduates, then his father can give him the family company worth millions of dollars and feel totally good about it.

His love interest is revealed to be his fourth grade teacher. . . And she falls for him, or rather, he bugs the shit out of her until she eventually finds his drunkenness lovable?  So like, if they were to go to dinner on a double date, it would go like this:

"So how'd you guys meet?"  The woman across the table asked.  I think her name was Wanda.  I dunno because I was really drunk at the time.

"Well honey, do you wanna tell them?  Or should I?"

"No, honey I'll tell em."  I said.

I was seeing four Wandas.  Four Wandas dancing around, and that stupid penguin, looking as cocky as ever. . .

"You see I used to be really retarded.  I used to just sit around all day and drink daiquiris [author's note: respek] and hang out with my friends. . . You know get drunk, look at nudie mags.  Before I graduated high school, the second time, or for the first time legitimately--kinda, I was in fourth grade.  I had been to kindergarten and 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade before that, but I was scared because I was the only thirty year old in class and we were going to do long division and math and stuff. . . But then in walks Ms. Vaughn, the loveliest teacher I've ever seen.  I definitely wanted to touch the heine."  I then grunted obscenely, and Ms. Vaughn laughed nervously.

"Well, that's all changed now.  Hasn't it honey?  Graduated, and went to college!  Didn't you!"

etc etc.

I know, I know.  I get it.  Its a comedy.  You're supposed to suspend your belief.  If that's so, why even put a love interest in?  Why can't it be just a ninety minute long comedy?  Just ninety minutes of shit and fart jokes, like a Jackass movie.

On the other side of it, we have one of his newer movies like Grown Ups, which is by far Adam Sandler's most disgusting movie, having mastered the Sandler formula in such purity that elements can be swapped out and still it can produce the same turd.  The difference in this one being that he's already won the girl over and they've gotten married and produced spoiled offspring.  Still remaining true is Adam's safety net of buddies, and this time they're the main characters.  It features friends David Spade (SNL), Chris Rock (SNL), Rob Schneider (SNL), and Kevin James (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry).  The entire movie is an excuse for these fellows to go on vacation and get paid for it, for none of them even seem to be trying.  They all play themselves, with the exception of Chris Rock, who at least tries to play a 'stay at home dad,' but even still is only half-assing it.  David Spade is the same cynical dry bastard, Kevin James is still fat and clumsy, Rob Schneider is still Rob Schneider (some strange character) etc etc.  The writing is so lazy its a wonder they didn't just call David Spade's character David Spade, and Chris Rock, Chris Rock, etc. etc.  There is no reason that this movie should have ever been made; other than the fact these fucks needed some money and wanted to have a damn good time while doing so.

This is obvious in that they don't even try to hide the fact they are advertising crap:

The boys are all together because their fucking pee-wee basketball coach died.  Yeah, they've totally ignored each other for years, but because their pee wee basketball coach who coached them when they were like 12 is dead, they suddenly hang out with one another.  They go on this 3 day trip to this cabin they all used to hang out at and once had their championship celebration at, with Coach.  They decide to spread his ashes out on a nearby island, but first, they must eat KFC grilled chicken, and drink Coca-Cola products.  No, they don't do this before traveling to the island, but at the island itself, right before dumping the man's ashes.  This is a somber and serious occassion boys, I mean the whole basis of this fucking movie and the events that are to follow are that we loved our coach, and now that the rival team has gone up and talked shit to us, 30 some fucking odd years later, we're gonna prove them wrong. . . because we loved our coach, and he thought of us as men. . . So please, bow your heads for this dear man we truly lov--hey can I get a wing?  And yes, of course they fuck up the spreading of the ashes and Kevin James gets Coach all over his hands, but eats the delicious KFC grilled chicken anyway.

HAI GUYZ LES PARTY.

NOM NOM.

Cut to them coming back, KFC grilled chicken bucket on Kevin James' head, which was really artsy I think.  They were showing us what they had exactly done to every one who watched this piece of crap; taken a KFC grilled chicken bucket and placed it over their heads.  Enjoy the consumerism boys.

With this said, Adam Sandler has managed to prolong his retardation, and it doesn't seem like he's ever going to go away, his connections and money are far too vast for that, and as long as actresses who were once considered extremely hot but got too old for anyone to care anymore need a job, they'll always have romantic comedies to fall back on, and Adam Sandler will always be there to catch them.

He's got that shit on lock.

And it is for these reasons that iR declares Adam Sandler, infinitely retarded.

The Juggalo Gathering; Charlie Sheen to Host, Along with Other Failures

If you are going to a Juggalo Gathering, chances are you're probably a juggalo, or a friend of a juggalo, or just a wrestling freak looking to have a good time and the possibility to commit some real felonies.  I say probably, because these days there is an element of people who just go and take to the fringe of the Gathering, laughing and pointing at acts they find particularly stupid.  Like any good troll, they are cowards, and hardly enter the fray--the combat zone--for fear of picking up some retardation as if by some ray of stupid.  More frightening is the possibility of violence, for juggalos find self-mutilation and mutilation of others to be as fun as guns and liquor.  If they are willing to take road signs up to one another's heads just for fun, and consider themselves 'Family'--imagine the horrors they could commit to an outsider.

But I got special stupid ray blockers.  A fancy piece of equipment.  89.95 at WAL-MART.  And, I've got a contact.  And I wanna go.  And fourth grade English teachers are right, you should never start a sentence with and, the tendency is to use it too often.

Wendy "Money Nuts" Placquard is a juggalette who thinks she's a juggalo.  Its tough having gender issues in the real world, even tougher when you're down with the clown.  Often she doesn't know whether to spread her legs like a juggalette, or beat the shit out of a minority, like a juggalo.  Despite her gender confusion, she is indeed quite down with the clown, and rather knowledgeable in regards to juggalo etiquette when attending a Juggalo Gathering.

"Just get wasted ninja.  If you see a girl, don't be afraid to hit her up for sex.  If she's got a boyfriend, beat the shit out of him.  If he's got friends, bring your friends.  Bang her family style after.  Its proper at a Gathering, when banging a chick in front of other dudes to at least offer her up when your done."

She had a way of going from her juggalette voice to her juggalo voice in a disturbing sort of way, though both shared common undertones of stupidity.  When I asked her what one does at a Juggalo Gathering she got rather angry and repeated herself.

"Just get wasted ninja.  If you see a girl, don't be afraid to hit her up for sex.  If she's got a boyfriend, beat the shit out him.  If he's got friends, bring your friends.  Bang her family style after--its proper."

"I meant activities. . ."

"Its the Gathering bro!  The Gathering!  If there were like Biblical implications this would be like the Second Coming, every single fuckin' year. . . WHOOP WHOOP.  Yeah, there's lots of BBQs, listed stuff like karaoke and rap battles, signing sessions with band members.  Lots of cool shit.  Carnival rides, JCW wrestling, and a Faygo Wet T-Shirt contest.  Its great man.  But those are just the listed ones."

"Yeah?"

"Shit yeah.  You can also try out for JCW if you want.  You can duct tape your friends to a tree."  She laughed at the member.  "Yeah we got this topless little juggalette and duct taped her to a tree for like 3 hours.  It was hilarious."

"Yeah."

"You can also beat your friends up with large tree branches.  A lot of wicked clowns do stuff like that.  Then there's of course staring at juggalettes, stalking juggalettes, and other things. . ."  A real ominous silence, hinting at some sort of evil.  "You know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and it aint all just stupid stuff you know.  The Magnet Exhibit last year was real informative and impressed a lot of the Family.  I know I spent 2 hours just watching magnets work.  It was real crazy."

Obviously, I'm not good with phone conversations.  I'm not good with conversation in general.  This much was apparent, so I said good-bye and she said 'much wicked clown love,' and we arranged a meet up with some 'Fam' in a few weeks.  As I hung up I was smiling: the idea of so much retardation in one place was certainly right up my alley.  Enjoyable, to say the least.  And what about the ride?  Would she come tearing up through the driveway out onto the lawn to carve donuts with a massive hillbilly truck?  Would her brother be in the back wielding a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey?  How many mullets and douche cuts would I be able to count?  Would there be signs of inbreeding? Only time would tell.

With research I already knew the real reason I wanted to go to the Gathering.   Mr. Charlie Sheen.

Mr. Charlie Sheen, who has officially changed the definition of winning to 'losing, horribly' has signed on as the leading host of ICP's annual crapfest.  How much did they pay him?  At least a million dollars, there's no way a man with tiger blood would settle for anything less, especially after getting publicly raped by Two and a Half Men. It was scary to imagine and revealed the disgusting wealth ICP has managed to amass, despite its fan base being generally no good poor folk.  They're selling you Family and getting rich doing so.  You're stuck drinking Faygo cause you're broke and uneducated; they're drinking champagne because you're broke and uneducated.  Look the food stamp line is full of fools in ICP merch.

But that's not all of us!

The possibility of a very public freak-out on Charlie's part was too much to pass up.  I wanted to have ring side seats for the whole debacle.  He'd be on stage, and he'd start bombing like he did with his last stage act, and like Tila Tequila he'd take a bottle to the face, and unlike Tila Tequila he wouldn't run off stage but instead rage and taunt the bastards!  The headlines wouldn't tell the whole story.  Maybe the juggalos would charge the stage and pick his bones clean. No one would really care.  Cops wouldn't investigate, and Americans everywhere would just live out the rest of their lives with the carnal knowledge that Juggalo Gatherings are where people go to die.

At his wings, Mr. Charlie sheen has two other random's, who were also apparently randomly drawn from the shit wheel.  First we have none other than Flavor Flav, Public Enemy turned Reality Star, and Dustin Diamond, Screech turned Porn Star.

What do these three have in common?  Despite the need for money, I don't know.  To think they are closet juggalos leads me to believe that perhaps these freaks have more influence than we would like to think. But who's to say celebrities are immune to stupidity and bad taste in music? In fact history leads us to believe they are far from immune, but in fact plagued at epidemic proportions. 

Oh yeah, and Vanilla Ice will be performing.  Why go further?  Why not just let promote it.  Check this retarded shit:

Sarah Palin Speaks to The Springton Christian School on D-Day

The gym had been prepared for an assembly the day prior, much to the anger of the basketball team, who now sat with everyone else in crowded quarters in chairs lined along the hardwood.  A slight murmur rose up in the gym, the majority of the conversation regarding the stage.  A stage had been built and housed nearly a dozen flags, and was flanked on all sides by red, white, and blue.  Large Roman columns rose up in front of the stage serving more for looks than anything else.  The podium had remained empty, but was presently occupied by the school's principal, an ugly little man who absolutely detested children.

"Silence!  Silence!'  He pounded the podium with his fist.  His pink round head peered up over the podium, barely visible, but the mere reputation of his wickedness silenced the mumbling crowd.  "As you may or may not know--but judging from this current class it would be safe to assume the latter, that you in fact do not know--today is the sixty-seventh anniversary of D-Day, a day when a lot of young Americans took to foreign lands in an effort to defeat evil.  And they did.  But I don't want to get too far into it, as I am rather excited about our speaker here today who has come all this way to tell you all about it.  So without further ado, I present to you. . . The future President of the United States of America, Sarah. . . Palin!"

The initial shock gave way to applause as the witch herself came out donned in a bright red suit.

"Thank you, thank you," she said, her voice echoing out through the tiny gym and bouncing off the wooden floor just like a bouncing basket ball. "I'd like to thank you for having me here.  As your principal stated, today is the 67th anniversary of D-Day. . . but not really.  You see a lot of people don't know this but D-Day actually began 10 days earlier."

The crowd collectively gasped, but only for a moment.  Sarah only smiled, and once again the students began their collective grumbling but it was ceased yet again by the angry pink face of their principal.  He apparently had not been listening, caught up in his own infatuation with the woman, with the lady in red.

"D-Day marks the day we as Americans entered World War 2, which up until this point had been fought by the Island of Germany and China against the British, the French and the Transylvanians.  We entered the war after President Kennedy had a premonition of Adolf Hitler singling out Jewish people and using them to run an evil theme park for the enjoyment of him and his soldiers.  Being America, we detested the very idea of slavery, as seen by the fact that in our nation's history we have never practiced it, and thusly decided to enter the war."

The reaction was mixed, though bordering on general hysteria.  Some simply sat in shock, their mouths open, some looking at one another in dismay.  The braver students, and those who were particularly outraged started heckling Palin, knowing of their principal's love for dealing out punishment (which, as it seemed, was surpassed only by his love of one, Sarah Palin).  Unfortunately Palin found their heckling to be directed towards slavery, and not her, and thusly continued.

"I know.  I know!  We all hate slavery right?!  So we spotted Hitler and his army entrenched on their island with our satellites, and shipped our armed forces over immediately under the care of General Custard.  Our boys hit that beachhead, and Tom Hanks was there, and Vin Diesel, and one guy lost his arm and was carrying it with his remaining good arm, and after much fighting we took that beachhead.  It was a victory that lead eventually to the downfall of Hitler and his evil theme park.  We freed the Jews and Charlie Chaplin, who had been taken as a prison of war."

"In the end, a man shot at a tank with a pistol, and we were after all able to save that young private, but at the cost of how many lives? The sacrifices made to keep this country free are just another example of the beauty of freedom. So many people are willing to give their lives so that others may live the American Way of life.  And they do this because American life is good and awesome.  Besides, this private we saved from a horrible death at the hands of the venomous Germans would go on to make a great deal of good movies, like 'Good Will Hunting.'

Luckily, one brave soldier managed to survive the entanglement and record it all for posterity.  Which I will show you now.  Be warned however, that the following footage may be a bit disturbing; but such is war."

The lights went down.

The lights came up.  There was silence, save for Sarah Palin at the podium, wiping a phony tear from her eye and trying her best to hold back the emotion within her.

"What cinematography for way back then, am I right?"  

She laughed, still wiping the tears from her eyes and looking to ease the tension a bit.  For some reason the room felt incredibly hot.  She assumed it must have been the result of so many bodies in such a confined space not built for such a capacity of human flesh, and simply smiled and attempted to continue her speech.  But it seemed to she had forgot the rest of it. Easing herself behind the podium she took a quick glance at her cheat sheet, written on the palm of her hand.  A chorus of boos arose from the students, who had finally had enough of this ninnie.  

Their principal rose from his seat, furious that his students would make him look bad, furious that they would dare interrupt his beloved.  His pink face turned a bright crimson, he looked so mad many figured steam would shoot out of his ears but it didn't.  He simply trembled as rage built within him.  He turned a brighter and brighter red, as his very eyes swelled and all these thoughts of hatred bubbled to the surface of his brain.

A real tea pot with a fitting round belly.

"Stop this!  Stop this this instant!"  he steamed "You will not insult Mrs. Palin like this!"  When the booing continued he started picking out individuals for damnation.  "Phillp Peters, detention!  Sally Welsh, detention!  Stop this!  Stop this!"

He paraded up and down the stage, stomping his feet.  He shouted, he raged, yet still he could not control his students. . . He knew he hated children, and this was precisely why.  He made idle threats, and when all else failed he could only think to turn to Mrs. Palin and apologize, but turning to the podium he had found that she had fled the scene.

And instantly, his heart sank.

In recent news Sarah Palin told reporters that Paul Revere had run to the British and warned them of the militia, firing his musket in the air with one hand and lifting a lantern with the other, and apparently holding the reigns of his horse with his third hand (betcha didn't know that).  Naturally, anyone who's seen Looney Toons knows that Paul Revere actually warned revolutionaries that 'The British are coming. . . the British are coming. . ."  Apparently history reports that not even this is true, that Revere only made half the ride and ending up getting 100 percent of the credit.

Well apparently, Sarah Palin was correct in her statement, or so some douchers state.  Mr. Revere was later captured during his 'Midnight Ride' by the Red Coats and in turn, like a total pussy gave up information to them that there was indeed a militia awaiting them. But this is not what Sarah Palin said.  She claimed his mission was to tell the British that there was a militia looking to repel their advance.  This clearly was not his mission.  Nor did he ride around on his horse shooting his musket off (one handed?) and ringing a bell for the soul purpose of intercepting the Red Coats.    In what world, other than Sarah Palin's, would an armed force send out a messenger to inform a much larger enemy with a reputation for conquering of the former's presence?  

After attacks regarding her intelligence and knowledge of American History, Sarah Palin claimed it was just an attempt by (liberal) media to try and put her on the spot and try and make her look stupid with a "gotcha question."  Yet she was asked "What have you seen so far today, and what are you going to take away from your visit?"  She then proceeded to indulge that she had recently learned she had just visited a site that was once frequented by Paul Revere as a teenager, and then spat out her terrible mistake.

Even more frightening, and retarded, is that Palin followers have actually resorted to trying to edit Paul Revere's Wikipedia page so that it may coincide with her statement. . . Come on guys, you know Wikipedia is hardly credible, right?  Changing a website hardly changes history, does it not?

And it is for these reasons that iR declares Sarah Palin and her followers; completely retarded.

Apparently a lot of people want to fuck Sarah Palin.  There are numerous amounts of photoshopped photos of her head placed atop the bodies of much bustier women. . . Also an entire porn series has been devoted to her, complete with a Sarah Palin look-a-like.

Palin was once a local news sportscaster.  You mean like Champ?  Yup, with equally awesome sideburns.

In high school she played on the basketball team, which in her Senior year, won the Alaskan State Championship.  During her time on the team she was give the nickname "Sarah Barracuda."

Opposes bans on semi-automatic weapons.

Palin: "The Tea Party is the future of politics in America."

Sarah Palin's Alaska on TLC

love, 

iR

Inside the NBA Moves Indoors; Charles Barkley: Inspirational Retard

The following blog is enhanced with Charles Barkley Quotes.

TNT's Inside the NBA has always been an opinionated show that made no efforts to be otherwise; their show is one of few that basketball stars actually watch and generally enjoy, and such a policy has allowed its fog horn Charles Barkley plenty of opportunities to piss people off and/or make a fool of himself and therefore make the show entertaining to those who don't even really understand basketball.  For this very reason, never before have they been concerned with Chuck and his sometimes controversial statements, but now after comments made by Charles Barkley, they are planning on moving its pregame show indoors as opposed to outside the stadium in lieu of rising tensions between Barkley and Miami Heat fans.

The tensions began when Chuck had the 'audacity' to pick the Chicago Bulls over the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals.  It pissed of Dwayne Wade and Heat fans alike, and when they complained and started 'Barkley Sucks' chants, he called them all a bunch of 'whiners,' and implied that many of them were just employees at 'McDonalds' and that his life was much better than theirs.  The following Sunday, at Game 3 of the Conference Finals, Barkley's limo arrived at the arena, and the window rolled down and Barkley flipped of a crowd of hecklers waiting outside the arena.

Yet with his rather spotty history, and reputation, why the sudden concern for Barkley?

Well apparently his comments envoked the wrath of King James and Nike.  Nike of course is so concerned with its new cash cow, that they once confiscated a clip that went viral of Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James IN HIS OWN CAMP.  Charles Barkley was told confidentially to 'ease off of LeBron.'  The pressure on him by Nike didn't shut him up however instead, he claimed 'atheletes today are wussified,' and that 'these groups today (Nike), if you don't say 100 percent positive about their guy, or their team, they overract.'  NBA players today are wussified?  Yes, but everyone is a wuss compared to you Chuck:

Look an example of Chuck's nonwussyness and the utter retardation of some youtube users!

So TNT has taken Charles indoors, but he still hasn't stopped, and why should he?  He's made a career of being controversial, and has more than once put his foot in his mouth.  He's shown he has the ability to do it, and has often said things that would have gotten much smaller men fired, but he wasn't.  The retardation of Chuck cannot be touched.  Its expected, and entirely inspirational.  He's called his producers pussies on the air, he's suggested the irritating fans should be taken down to center court and beaten during half-time, he's claimed he hates white people, he's criticized GMS, David Stern, coaches, fans, and referees--its like he said, "He's no role model."  He's no role model, and he's certainly not going to take shit from Nike or Miami Heat fans. 

Most recently he's picked the Dallas Mavericks over the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals, and action which has led some Heat fans to claim he's a Heat Hater, and why not? everyone else hates the Heat, why not Barkley too?  Never mind the fact that he's been praising LeBron as one of the best players in the league for the past three years. . . Of course, he's just hating. . . Your thoughts Sir Charles?

And thats why we love you Chuck, you always handle each situation with such class.  Fuck fuck fuck. . . its bullshit.  And what bullshit indeed. Heat fans have been taking shit all season, from other NBA fans and the press, and now that the prize and ever illusive ring is now in their sights, they're unleashing pent up venom brought on by the ever arrogant "I Told You So" disease.  Are fans not to be bitter and envious of the situation that literally fell in your lap Miami?  Are Cleveland Cavalier fans (if there are any left) not to be bitter about the sudden impoverished state they have found themselves in after their golden child ditched their bleak grey city for the sun and sand of Miami?  And is Charles Barkley, a NBA Analyst, paid to spout his retardation for the sake of interest and ratings, not allowed to pick the Chicago Bulls over the Miami Heat, or the Dallas Mavericks over the Heat because its his honest opinion?  Well no, apparently not.  Apparently this is all just the work of some dubious smear campaign designed to tarnish your beloved team.

How shameful.  Did you not shun LeBron James last year?  Did you not give two shits about Chris Bosh like the rest of us last year?  And now that they're donning your colors you're all up in arms defending them against a legendary retard with plenty of contributions to the game.  Oh how fickle is fandom.  But there is one man, ladies and germs, who is not fickle, and that's Mr. Charles Barkley.  From his Gillette commercials to his commentating game, the man has not changed, and has been constantly retarded his entire career.

In fact Barkley loves Miami, if you ever need to find him, he'll be the guy driving around with the smug look on his face after successfully predicting the Miami Heat's demise in the NBA Finals. 

:)

Charles Barkley is untouchable.  When he played basketball he was a rough and physical, and his history of NBA fights account for that, and now as a commentator he speaks his mind and fights just as often verbally.  This of course causes some controversy, but it is what he has done his entire career.  When he spit in that girls face as a player, everyone eventually got over it, and the two then became friends.  When he elbowed that player in the Olympics for 'fear that he was carrying a spear,' the man came up to Barkley and took a photo with him afterward. . .  He's just that lovable, despite being at times disagreeable.  He certainly rubs people the wrong way, but most of the time its people taking him out of context.

This current debacle is ridiculous.  Sure, maybe Sir Charles shouldn't have acted so crass towards the fans, but now that I think of it, for him to act any other way would be very unCharles of him.  Charles is Charles, and people have got to let him be that.  And besides, fuck the Heat.

It is for Charles' ability to say whatever he wants without ever really facing reprocussions for them that iR declares Charles Barkley inspirationally retarded.

Arrested for DUI.  Upon the arrest Charles admitted he was on his way to get some oral sex.  He then offered tattooing the arresting officers name on his butt if he would let him go.

Charles Barkley once hired a famous heckler to try and urk Michael Jordan.  He flew him up to Phoenix and got him a seat behind the Bulls bench.

Announced he would run for Governor of Alabama in 2012, but then quickly changed his mind in 2010.

Charles has written several books about himself.

Charles' Notoriously Horrible Golf Swing

Charles Barkley Calls Himself a Dumb Ass

love, 

iR

The Hopeless Retardation of MTV's Geordie Shore

That sickness once believed to be a 'Jersey Thing' has crossed the mighty Atlantic and has germinated in, of all places, New Castle, England. It has infected a group of people along the River Tyne, people known as Geordies, who's accent was once declared "the most attractive in England," but to an American ear is unintelligible and entirely foreign sounding when drowned in alcohol.  Knowledgeable of this disease MTV took the another opportunity to cash in on its social infiltration and further make a quick buck off the hopelessly hip.  Ladies and gents, or perhaps I should say birds and lads, I present to you:  Geordie Shore.

They're much like their Jersey Shore counterparts, in that they're all about partying (pah-tee-ing) and promiscuous sex.  The lads seem highly concerned with their personal appearance, spending many hours in the gym talking about birds, and many more in front of the mirror staring at all the work they had put in.  Tanning is also important, along with hair, and at times they seem to echo such mantras as 'Gym, Tan, Laundry.'  The birds also are big on the tans, many also like to wear fake eyelashes, and extensive makeup is definitely a must.  Geordie language is also as unique as Guido language, hinted with heavy accents, and undecipherable to anyone with a brain.

The cast?  Well lets me em:

There's of course Sophie, who's like Snooki (minus the strange food addictions and love of giant slippers) and Angelina (minus the Staten Island) all rolled into one giant ball of retardation, with enough stupid for two.  Her taste in men is very similar to Snooki's; she prefers 'a proper butch man' with 'big muscles, a nice golden tan,' just as long as they aren't 'as dark as her, because that would be competition.'  Despite her confidence, the room mates find her to be a 'minga,' the Geordie equivalent to a 'grenade.'  She just turned twenty one and is all set to go to the Geordie Shore to be a total 'slut' and 'cock magnet.'  So far she has been unsuccessful in that endeavor, but she has managed to get totally drunk off a 'few jager bombs,' get angry and call everyone a tramp, and spend the rest of her time on the show dirtying up the pristine bathrooms with dark brown puke and/or head first in a toilet as one of the room mates holds back her hair. She does however just want to be everyone's friend, and swears she's not usually a 'drunk.'  Plus she can talk the back legs off a donkey, whatever that means.

Then there's Gary, The Situation's UK dopple ganger, who's got The Situation act down pat.  He's got nothing to worry about and just wants to party (pah-tee) down Geordie Shore style.  He claims to know 'the situation' inside out, from getting the birds number to shagging her.  He's got his own six pack, which he too uses to lure unsuspecting drunk women into borderline rape, his favorite way to party (pah-tee).  But no, he doesn't call it 'creepin,' he calls it 'pullin.'  In fact he's so good at it he declares he 'should have a degree in pulling women.'  He too is a gym rat, and is primarily concerned with laying as much pipe as possible, with any bird he can.  He too also talks a good game, but unlike The Situation he can actually back it up. Still, I can't understand what he's saying half the time. . . but I think he said something about having a reputation for stealing other lads' birds.

James is not only the self proclaimed 'best looking lad in Newcastle, if not England,' but he is also definitely one of its most conceited.  He could also be said to be much like Pauly D, in that he's rather concerned with his hair.  He's so concerned with his hair that it was a big factor in choosing a room, in that he preferred one with many mirrors so that he may do his hair, and in fact admits that the hardest thing he's done in his life is 'me hair.'  He too works out (wherever and whenever) and like his 'lads' is primarily concerned with getting laid.

Holly is obviously a JWoww Geordie, and some how her fake tits make JWoww's boob job look tasteful.  Holly is so in love with her fake boobs that she's actually named them: Heidi and Audrina, 'and when ever that song comes on:  Heidi and Audrina eat your heart out,' she points at her tits and calls them 'her babies.'  She's eighteen and is about as bright as a broken light bulb.  Her claim to fame is the ability to hold various bottles of differing sizes between her breasts.  She then often drinks from them, or lets others.  She has a boyfriend who for some reason doesn't mind if she shows her massive fake titties to anyone and everyone.

Jay mirrors Ronnie, he's big and seems to never wear a shirt.  In fact upon discovering that he was the first lad in the house he immediately removed his shirt, you know, cause first impressions are important.  He's definitely not looking for a relationship and is just down to party (pah-tee) with some birds.  He really likes to take care of himself, and focuses on what he calls the 'more feminine side of life.'  He gets his eyebrows waxed, looking so well manicured they appear drawn on, and oh, he also waxes his ass.  Gotta look sharp for the birds, you understand.  He hangs out with his mom because she does his laundry for him, which is pretty sweet, that is unless he's got a bird over and she does it for him, after which he 'repays them in another way.'  His favorite activities include working out and posing topless in front of his BMW.  

Greg could be said to be Vinnie when Jersey Shore first started in that he doesn't seem to fit in, despite saying that he's well know around the scene.  He's even a 'ghost' because he doesn't sport that signature Gordie tan.  Despite his differences it turns out that he's really just as big of a douche bag as the others.  He enjoys calling himself "Snakers" because when he's at the club he's like a snake with the birds.  He's even got a hand motion to accompany every phone number he gets as a sort of celebration--his hands together, palm to palm, slithering through the air like a snake.  Sometimes when he's working with a friend and sees a girl he likes he gets 'his big man to pull a fat mate and he'll go for her.'  Whatever that may mean.

Vicky is our Geordie version of Sammi, in that she's still a member of a generally shitty group of people, but claims superiority because she's got a little more money.  Unlike Sammi however, she can't see to keep her eyes on just one lad, and seems to like every dude in the house, particularly Jay and Greg.  She likes flashing herself about and shows it with dresses sparkling almost as if bedazzled.  Being a real socialite, she is well known about the Geordie D-Bag Scene and apparently gets around with the lads, if yah know what I mean.

Charlotte is onto herself.  She doesn't really act like anyone from the Jersey Shore but is terribly concerned about looking like a sweaty minga.  She also admits to being 'shallow with boys' and has never kissed anyone without a six pack.  She has however, made out with dozens upon dozens of brainless Neanderthals.  Way to go Charlotte! Overall, she's a self-proclaimed '21st Century Girl,' which is nice in that we're surprised she actually knows what century we are in.

The people of Newcastle, England are quite upset about Geordie Shore, just as Italian Americans were offended by Jersey Shore when it unleashed its retardation upon the world.  Both have claimed the shows representing them is grossly inaccurate and that a selected group of few are making the majority look stupid.

And they're right.

But in regards to you Geordies I can only find Geordie Shore to be a spoof of Jersey Shore, which probably, hopefully, was a spoof to begin with.  This is to say that it cannot be taken seriously, and should not--it is retarded and is to be treated as such (point and laugh, if you are unaware of the proper procedure).  Besides, I don't know what you Geordies are so upset about, the rest of the world can't understand you anyway.

To quote the great Big Momma, "What the problem is?"

But if this show does take off, I suggest you all batten down the hatches, for they'll be around longer than anyone will assume possible.  And it is for these reason's that iR declares The Geordie Shore, hopelessly retarded.

Airs every Tuesday, on MTV UK or whatever. . . 

MTV's Geordie Shore

The Geordie Dictionary?

love,

iR